Mattel Slammed for Assuming Ken’s Gender in Redesign

KEN

Ferocious protests have soured the relaunch of Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, who’s received his first major makeover in 56 years to better represent today’s politically correct society. The protestors are fuming that the toy giant has assumed Ken’s gender, taking toy rights back to the dark ages.

The toy maker today has apologised profusely for the mishap, speaking from their head office which is currently on fire from the protests.

“We should have let Ken assume his own gender,” said a Mattel spokesperson. “We thought we were ticking all the right boxes to not offend anyone by making Ken fat, gay, a refugee from Syria as well as an anti-vaxxer… but we clearly dropped the ball big time by calling him a man.”

The head of Mattel has been forced to step down from his position immediately, and will be spending the rest of his life in jail until he is killed by lethal injection.

Protestors have felt the punishment is a slap on the wrist and is calling for the death of all Mattel employees.

The Sydney Sentinel spoke with several children, with the overall response being that they don’t give a toss about Ken’s gender, and would rather their parents spent some time playing with them rather than protesting all the time.

The Nightmare After Christmas: Newtown Burns as Girl Gifted Doll

Newtown Protest

A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their second day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.

The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.

“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”

A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.