A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.
“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”
The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.
“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”
Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.
Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
A Botany area garbage man was discharged from hospital today after spending almost six months in bed as the result of an unprecedented bender in which he attempted to drink all of his Christmas presents from local residents in one night.
“It would’ve been rude not to drink them all, but after polishing off the 10,836 six-packs residents had left out as gifts, I spent Christmas Day praying to the porcelain gods instead of Santa,” the man said. “I even opened a few gifts from under the tree and drunk those as well. One was a radio-controlled car, so I’m not sure how I managed that.”
A NSW government health spokesperson pinned the blame squarely on the generosity of the Botany community.
“A thing like this wouldn’t happen in the wealthier suburbs us government folk like to live, as we simply do not give presents to people who are beneath us,” she said. “Taking out our trash is an honour for these men, and we remind them every single week with insults, not beers once a year at Christmas that could lead to this sort of thing happening. It’s a disgrace.”
The garbage man has refused to admit defeat, but has asked that every second home in his local area leave out a bottle of Jagermeister and a few Red Bulls instead of beers this year, to ensure he will have the energy he needs to enjoy all his gifts in one night.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their third day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.