Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Santa Locked Out of Sydney This Christmas

Father Christmas is in violation of lockout laws and will be shot out of the sky if spotted near Sydney, NSW premier Gladys Berejiklian has said, describing the Australian tradition of leaving an alcoholic beverage out for Santa on Christmas Eve as “extremely problematic”.

“By leaving a slab of beer or a carton of Jägerbombs out for Santa in exchange for the presents he leaves, people are turning their homes into licensed premises,” Berejiklian said. “So, unless Santa comes in the afternoon, or drops all the gifts off at the casino, I’m afraid he won’t be welcome in Sydney this year.”

Parents across Sydney have been told to warn their children in advance, with a NSW government spokesperson advising parents to ease the trauma by telling small children “Santa isn’t real” or that he died.