Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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Workplaces to Employ Graduates as Permanent Volunteers

AUS MADE

Workplaces across Sydney are set to help struggling graduates get a job by hiring them as lifelong volunteers after seeing the success other businesses like major sporting events or comic cons have had with unpaid staff.

A spokesperson for the Fair Work Commission has branded the idea a no-brainer.

“You’re meant to enjoy work,” the spokesman said. “So why would you be expected to be paid for something that you enjoy? Working for free ensures staff want to be there unlike greedy paid staff who are only in it for the money. Plus, with no overheads, companies will be able to relieve taxpayers from the burden of government handouts by hiring thousands of people to do their bidding.”

Many graduates who have managed to score a job through traditional means like family contacts or sexual favours have said their small salary feels like they are volunteers anyway, so they would be happy to make it official.

“I graduated from medicine and now make coffees and hotdogs for the doctors at my local medical clinic 700 kilometres from my parents’ home,” a recent graduate said. “I feel if they didn’t have to bother with paying me, I might get a shot at actually treating a patient. Or at least feeding the fish in reception.”

“Things are competitive in the wild, and many employers are only looking for one candidate,” another unemployed 2009 engineer graduate said. “If they didn’t have to pay us they could hire hundreds of people to mop the floors or pick up rubbish about the place. We’d be guaranteed a job.”

Those calling the new initiative slave labour have been jailed for treason.

The Age of Entitlement Returns Exclusively for Politicians

HOCKEY

The Australian government has announced that the “age of entitlement” then-treasurer Joe Hockey declared over in 2012 is back exclusively for its staff, with every member of parliament set to receive a salary increase in the thousands plus simultaneous tax cuts.

Politicians have justified the entitlements, which come amid historically low wages growth nationwide, as “a necessary step” to tackle rampant bribery and corruption allegations.

“This is really in the public’s best interest,” one insider said. “If my pay rise means I can take just one less bribe next year, everyone wins.”

Malcolm Turnbull, who already has a vast museum dedicated to his private money collection, said he’ll invest the extra cash into trying to get the NBN to at least work for at least 10 of his houses.

Hockey, who is now Ambassador of Australia to the United States, said the higher salaries won’t lead to MPs becoming out of touch and that he stood by previous statements regarding poor people not driving and young people who want to break into the property market simply needing to get a better job.

“It was my job to offer pithy insights like this to the Australian public,” he said. “That’s why they paid me the big bucks.”

It Would be Sexist Not to Have Tampon Tax, Government Says

Tampon

The government has defended the controversial 10 per cent “luxury tax” on tampons, saying it will only scrap the levy when all Australians can enjoy a monthly period, regardless of gender.

“When men can enjoy the same regular cramps, bleeding and acne that women do, we will of course get rid of the tampon tax,” a government health spokesperson said. “What’s important is that this is fair for everyone involved.”

However Australian men’s groups have argued that the tax on sanitary items should be abolished, along with similar taxes on a raft of other “so-called luxuries”.

“Beer, cigarettes and pornography are all highly taxed items that are treated as luxuries but these are needs, not wants,” one man said.

Pauline Hanson Discovers Topic More Controversial than Race

ANGRY

One Nation senator Pauline Hanson has expressed relief today after discovering her call for autistic children to be removed from classrooms was met with widespread outrage.

“I thought I was losing my touch,” she said. “Comments about race just don’t get that kind of reaction anymore, so it’s reassuring to know people still get fired up about children with disabilities.”

Experts have described Hanson as “the ultimate barometer” for Australian opinion.

“Nothing gives a more accurate read on what people really care about,” one political forecaster said. “The leaked tapes about the party plane have been quickly forgotten about, but I predict she’s onto a real winner with the disabled children.”

Blacktown Thrilled to be Awarded Top Spot for Dole Bludgers

DOLE BLUDGERS

The government today released a list of Australia’s top spots for dole bludging, with Blacktown being named as the number one town in NSW for not going to work yet expecting to be paid.

“We’re stoked to be awarded first place,” one Blacktown local and welfare lover said.

“Blacktown’s been doing it tough lately, and I think being number one in something will really give those in the community a reason to put their shoulders back and walk tall into Centrelink.”

The town will be holding a ticker tape parade tonight to celebrate their achievement.

One local told The Sydney Sentinel that even though he will be marching under the “compo claim” banner, his fake injury wouldn’t stop him from marching tonight unless he can’t be bothered to turn up.

More to come as the residents of Blacktown wake up this afternoon to hear the news…

Sydney Light Rail to be Demolished; Monorail to Return

Work on the $76821.3 billion Sydney Light Rail will cease today as the state government prepares to scrap the project to make way for a new monorail instead.

The new monorail will be the old monorail that was torn down in 2013, but with additional track to extend all the way to Port Macquarie on the New South Wales Mid North Coast.

The move came after someone at a state government board meeting thought to question the point of the Sydney Light Rail project and no one had an answer that could be said on the record.

Officials have promised that the monorail project, which is estimated to cost up to $900 trillion and predicted to close every major street in Sydney’s CBD until 2078, is in the best interest of tax payers and will cause “minimal obstruction” to traffic.

Demolition of the work that has already been completed on the Light Rail project is set to begin this week, with construction crews estimating that it could take as little as one day to undo work that has been causing increasing traffic issues over the past year.

“Luckily, we haven’t really done anything yet,” one construction worker said. “We pretty much just put up all the hoardings and hid behind them smoking darts all day. One fella even set up Mario Kart 64.”

No one is sure why, but all remaining trees along Anzac Parade will also be chopped down immediately.