Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Proud

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

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Workplaces to Employ Graduates as Permanent Volunteers

AUS MADE

Workplaces across Sydney are set to help struggling graduates get a job by hiring them as lifelong volunteers after seeing the success other businesses like major sporting events or comic cons have had with unpaid staff.

A spokesperson for the Fair Work Commission has branded the idea a no-brainer.

“You’re meant to enjoy work,” the spokesman said. “So why would you be expected to be paid for something that you enjoy? Working for free ensures staff want to be there unlike greedy paid staff who are only in it for the money. Plus, with no overheads, companies will be able to relieve taxpayers from the burden of government handouts by hiring thousands of people to do their bidding.”

Many graduates who have managed to score a job through traditional means like family contacts or sexual favours have said their small salary feels like they are volunteers anyway, so they would be happy to make it official.

“I graduated from medicine and now make coffees and hotdogs for the doctors at my local medical clinic 700 kilometres from my parents’ home,” a recent graduate said. “I feel if they didn’t have to bother with paying me, I might get a shot at actually treating a patient. Or at least feeding the fish in reception.”

“Things are competitive in the wild, and many employers are only looking for one candidate,” another unemployed 2009 engineer graduate said. “If they didn’t have to pay us they could hire hundreds of people to mop the floors or pick up rubbish about the place. We’d be guaranteed a job.”

Those calling the new initiative slave labour have been jailed for treason.