A Sydney man has undergone intense questioning this morning after he returned home from having “a few quiet ones with the boys” at 3am smelling shower fresh.
The man’s wife said it was “obvious” he’d been to the hand-job hut that recently opened between their home and the local pub.
“Since that rub-and-tug shop popped up, he comes home smelling radioactively fresh after any outing that involves booze,” she said. “But the man is a grub no matter how much dishwashing liquid they disinfect him with.”
While the man managed not to crack under his wife’s interrogation, he responded to an email query from The Sydney Sentinel with: “just between you and me, mate, I did get some harmless fun on my way home”.
“It’s those damn music video clips they have playing in the pub,” he said. “They’re basically musical pornos. Even before this new joint opened up, there were already 28 brothels and 12 Thai massage parlours in the two blocks between my house and the pub. It’s hard enough to get past them all sober but try doing it with 780 or so schooners under the belt – it’s harder than the Ninja Warrior challenge.”
Men’s “harmless fun” has been proven to be the number-one cause of harm for Australian women for the 80th consecutive year, according to a CSIRO report.
A Sydney man today has been forced to wash his soiled hands with soap and water after a colleague walked into the bathroom just as he exited his well-used cubical.
“Talk about bad timing,” the man said. “Now my hands smell like I’m some sort of fruit who wears fancy perfumes. It’s disgusting.”
A human-resources representative sympathised with the man but noted that there was no way of avoiding the “unfortunate incident”.
“We understand that the victim did the right thing and waited until all toilet patrons had left the bathroom before exiting the stall, but then this other bloke burst in out of nowhere and made eye contact with the man, forcing him to make a show of washing his hands,” the HR spokesperson said.
Staff were horrified when notified of the shocking incident.
“Christ,” said one man. “I’ve heard those taps have enough germs on them to take your hand off. It would’ve been better to wash his hands in the urinal with a trough lolly.”
A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.
“I was on autopilot – or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”
The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.
“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”
The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.