A Clovelly man is in danger of missing his daily run along the coastal path to Bondi this morning after realising he had “nothing to wear”, even though his closet was packed full of designer workout gear, joggers made by NASA and colour-coordinated drink bottles.
The man said he “just wasn’t feeling” any of his outfits.
“Nothing truly expressed my positively carefree yet dangerously focused running mood or went well with this morning’s lighting conditions,” the man said. “Naturally, everyone would be watching me, so I couldn’t just chuck any old thing on. One unflattering Aquabumps snap could set me back years of dedicated training.”
The man said if his emergency order from The Iconic doesn’t arrive, he will make up for today’s lack of training by spending an extra hour in the solarium and taking twice as many photos at Icebergs this afternoon than usual.
A Sydney banker has become the pin-up boy for white-collar-style addiction recovery after switching from heroin to more socially accepted drugs.
“We were all so worried when he was shooting up loser drugs like heroin and we’re so impressed he’s turned his life around like this,” one colleague said. “Now he only injects steroids into his bum before his gruelling daily workouts, snorts a few lines of coke on the weekend and smokes the occasional ice pipe like the rest of us.”
The man said that apart from suffering occasional roid rage episodes – which have caused him to glass a man’s testicles, revenge rape the postman and slam dunk a baby – he was much happier and more energetic than he had been for a long time.
“It feels great to have an addiction that’s celebrated in sport and popular culture,” he said. “Now when people see me they’re all impressed and go ‘damn boi, you on the juice?’, and I can proudly say ‘yes’, then knock them out for looking at me funny.”
A new version of the popular hook-up-with-as-many-people-as-you-can app, Tinder, allows those who spend hours admiring themselves in the mirror inside the gym, to admire themselves outside of the gym as well.
A spokesperson for the app, titled Tinder Swole, said the app cleverly matches the user with themselves, so they can truly find the love of their lives.
“We were getting complaints that those in the fitness world weren’t satisfied with their matches,” the spokesperson said. “By matching them up with themselves, they’re guaranteed to find someone they can cherish.”
Gym junkies have been excited by the announcement.
“I do this for myself,” one gym member said of his daily 27-hour training schedule. “And this app allows me to reap the rewards of myself more often. Sometimes several times an evening.”
“It’s lonely being beautiful,” another CrossFit enthusiast said. “There’s simply no one but myself on my level. This app understands the struggle and soothes it. Sometimes several times an evening.”
Other users have reported that they have seen huge gains in their right arm since the app launched.
Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.
“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.
“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”
The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.
One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”
A receptionist at a popular chain of Sydney gyms was today sentenced to 60 years in prison for revealing the gym’s joining fee and monthly payments up front and honestly.
“This was a serious violation of our rules,” a spokesperson for the gym said. “The highly secretive pricing structure of gym memberships should only be revealed once a victim has completed a 12-step intimidation program conducted by a senior consultant.”
The spokesperson described the incident as a “safety issue”, noting that the receptionist “could have killed” the prospective gym member.
“If people aren’t prepared through a lengthy process of shaming and phone harassment, hearing the price of a gym membership so abruptly and clearly could cause cardiac arrest, stroke, or even aids. Some of our most loyal clients, who signed up with us for lifetime membership without parole as far back as the 1980s, still aren’t aware what they’re paying.”
The prospective gym member at the centre of the controversy was bludgeoned to death with a Shake Weight in a bid to avoid any further damage and the gym has promised to fill the streets with twice as many pamphlet handlers to recuperate the fees they had been expecting him to pay.