There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.
One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.
“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”
Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.
“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”
Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.
In a bid to avoid people being too tired on January 1, the NSW government has officially adjusted time and calendars so that Sydney can celebrate New Year’s Eve in a more “sensible” fashion, with the city’s famous fireworks displays being moved to 6 pm for children and 9 pm for grown-ups.
“12 am is a ridiculous time to still be up,” a NSW government spokesperson said. “This way, people can celebrate in an orderly and controlled manner, then be home in bed by the Surgeon General’s recommended time of 10:30 pm.”
The move tests the waters for strict new bedtime laws to be introduced in NSW from March 2019, amid growing concerns about people abusing their free time to stay up late, causing chronic weariness the next day.
Also under review is Sydney’s Vivid light festival, which is under pressure from the government to be moved to the daytime.
Family and friends are mystified by the fact that Dave, a 32-year-old office worker with three children, has to spend weekends in bed with a cool washcloth on his head after having “just a few” drinks after work on Friday.
“It’s like he comes down with a big cold every weekend,” said his wife, referring to Dave’s constant sniffling and nose blowing. “He’s also very sad and won’t eat a thing, not even my Sunday beef wellington!”
Dave has promised to cut down to just one beer after work this Friday, which he plans to sip over several hours until 3am Saturday morning.