Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs


Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.


Committed Yes Voters Change Minds after Seeing “Vote No” Skywriting


A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.

“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.

However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.