Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.
The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.
A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.
“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.
Smokers praised the decision.
“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.
Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.
A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.
The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.
The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”
The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.
Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.
Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.
One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.
“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”
People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.
A Sydney worker today has suffered a massive heart attack after quickening his step to get through a door being held open by a colleague.
The man who is in a serious yet stable condition at Maroubra Hospital has told the Sydney Sentinel that he didn’t want to be rude, even though he knew that exercise such as “walking a bit faster than usual” was hazardous to his health.
“Politeness kills,” the large man said from his hospital beds. “And to tell you the truth, my colleague was being so polite he was bordering on rude. I was about 50 metres from the door, so there was no way I was going to make it without things turning awkward unless I ran.”
A government Workplace Health and Safety spokesperson said the general rule for holding a door open for someone was 5 metres, or 500 metres if they’re hot.
“The rules are meant to be used as a guide only,” the spokesperson said. “The man who suffered the heart attack was 700 kilogrammes and was known to have several heart attacks every day. The worker who held the door open should be fired or sent to jail for being so cruel.”
The man has said he will sue the workplace for millions as soon as he thinks up something good to sue them for.