Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.
Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.
One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.
“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”
People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.
A Sydney worker today has suffered a massive heart attack after quickening his step to get through a door being held open by a colleague.
The man who is in a serious yet stable condition at Maroubra Hospital has told the Sydney Sentinel that he didn’t want to be rude, even though he knew that exercise such as “walking a bit faster than usual” was hazardous to his health.
“Politeness kills,” the large man said from his hospital beds. “And to tell you the truth, my colleague was being so polite he was bordering on rude. I was about 50 metres from the door, so there was no way I was going to make it without things turning awkward unless I ran.”
A government Workplace Health and Safety spokesperson said the general rule for holding a door open for someone was 5 metres, or 500 metres if they’re hot.
“The rules are meant to be used as a guide only,” the spokesperson said. “The man who suffered the heart attack was 700 kilogrammes and was known to have several heart attacks every day. The worker who held the door open should be fired or sent to jail for being so cruel.”
The man has said he will sue the workplace for millions as soon as he thinks up something good to sue them for.
Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.
“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”
Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.
“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”
Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.
Leak of Unedited Cigarette Health Warning Photo Raises Questions
Questions over the authenticity of a photo used by the government to warn of the ill effects of smoking have been raised after an unedited version of the image was leaked.
The unedited image shows a healthy man enjoying a lovely day at the beach with someone else’s children, rather than lying in a morgue dead, as seen in the heavily edited version used on cigarette warning labels.
A government health spokesperson has called for calm, assuring the public that the man had been killed as soon as the photo shoot on the beach was finished and that “no duplicity has taken place”.
“The man who appeared in the image told us he smoked a cigarette back in the ’80s and twice in the ’90s,” the spokesperson said. “And since we choose him to star in the campaign for this reason, and we killed him afterwards to ensure the authenticity of our warning label, we can technically say he died because of smoking.”
Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.
“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.
“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”
The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.
One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”
A doctor’s poor handwriting has been blamed for a hospital mix up that left a man with a broken leg on an IV drip hooked up to cask wine overnight, instead of being put in a cast.
This is just the latest in a string of goofs from the struggling Bondi ER, which last month was in hot water for giving a patient a second heart attack after leasing the bed opposite him to a blue movie studio.
The Sydney man who was given dry red intravenously was in good spirits this morning, despite the bungle. “Well, it worked – my leg’s no longer sore at all,” he said. “I might even try my luck hooking the wife and me up when I get home, she loves a wine.”
The doctor in charge said staff would not be facing disciplinary action. “I’m not even sure why cask wine was in the hospital supply room,” he said. “But many great discoveries happen by accident.”