A stay-at-home twelfth-year student has discovered comfort in an echo chamber within a TaxiBox storage unit outside his parents’ Sydney chateau.
“I’ve finally met that special someone who says exactly what I demand other people think,” the self-proclaimed woke-ologist said. “And that person happens to be the most respected life form I’ve ever met – me.”
The man, who insisted we mention he attended North Sydney Private School for the Private, slammed those who argue his viewpoints by adding ‘ophobe’ to any word to shame people into silence.
“Thank God – who doesn’t exist, mind you – the echo inside my storage container never disagrees with me,” the man who now also wants us to mention he’s a genius said. “This is my safe space.”
A TaxiBox spokesperson said the student had missed the point of its service providing a way to easily store or move belongings, but added that the company never judges the “creative” ways people choose to use its units. “However, we may make an exception this time for a laugh,” he said.
Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found.
The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of what it means to be ironic were endemic issues.
“It was a horror show of senseless imagery, grotesque pastiches and blatant rip-offs, all presented with a faux-ironic wink,” he said. “I failed to identify a single memorable tune, charismatic frontman or epic guitar riff.”
The study comes as a timely reminder that wearing a 1980s-style pastel suit paired with a tea cosy as a hat is more likely to be a desperate cry for attention than a sign of individuality.
A Bondi café has been awarded five chef’s hats and hailed as “fucking genius” for serving customers whole, unpeeled avocados on toast, a bold departure from smashed avo, which dominated global headlines throughout the year.
The chef said the new creation “aligns beautifully” with his philosophy of making whole foods whole again.
“Smashed avo was really just part of that ridiculous ‘deconstructed food’ trend, which is so 2017,” he said. “We wanted to ditch the fads and get back to basics for 2018. Our food is so wholesomely whole we don’t even peel off the little sticker that comes naturally from the tree.”
Sunday brunch fans have been lining up for the dish since 4am Wednesday morning, with many saying they’re willing to spend all the deposit their parents gave them for their first home on this culinary marvel.
A Marrickville woman is suing the hairdressing salon that coloured her hair purple, claiming it didn’t boost her creativity in any way, even when she teamed it with a vintage dress and mismatched socks.
The passionate barista, who gets up early every day to milk her own almonds, said the change in hair colour did nothing to help her make a start on the book she’s been writing for more than 10 years.
“I’ve been experimenting with creativity supplements my whole life and, while I can confirm some things, like round, clear-framed glasses, gave me good gains, dying my hair purple did nothing,” the woman said.
Doctors have confirmed that dying your hair purple, or any other unnatural colour, will not make you more creative.
“People need to get back to basics and understand that if you want to be a creative you probably should try creating something,” one doctor said. “Creativity supplements like purple hair are for that final three per cent extra when you’ve already put in the hard work.”
A Sydney cyclist has managed to shake his head clean off his body this morning while attempting to show his annoyance to those walking slowly on the busy CBD footpath he was belting down.
Those who witnessed the self-decapitation said it was pretty funny.
“He was weaving down the footpath tisking, dinging his bell and violently shaking his head all at the same time,” one pedestrian said. “If he just stuck to bell ringing or even gentle swearing like a regular cyclist he might have still had a head to shake at people on his ride home. Anyway, sucked in to the pest.”
The cyclist is somehow still alive and recovering in hospital, despite no longer having a head.
“At least without a head I’ll be breathing out less planet-harming carbon dioxide,” the cyclist said through an electrolarynx connected to his neck stump. “I can now proudly judge anyone with a head as a backwards redneck planet killer.”
The man said he’ll be adding “and head” to his “one less car” sticker.
Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.
“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”
Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.
“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”
Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.
“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”
An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.
A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history – was full of trashy pop music.
The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.
“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”
Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.
“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.
“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”
The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.