Hipsters Angry oBikes are Making Cycling Mainstream

oBIke dumped

Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.

“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”

Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.

“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”

Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.

“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”

An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.

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Hipster Shamed by Spotify Time Capsule Full of Pop Music

hipster

A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history ­– was full of trashy pop music.

The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.

“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”

Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.

“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.

“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”

The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.

Cooked Sashimi set to be Sydney’s Next Food Craze

fish and chips

Cooked sashimi is widely tipped to become Sydney’s hottest new food trend after a new Bondi Beach takeaway opened to rave reviews over the weekend.

“What we do is roll flake in batter and then boil it in oil,” the mastermind behind the venture said. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever tried before.”

Bloggers have been quick to embrace the new trend, with one reviewer dubbing it “the most significant culinary innovation since someone discovered avo could be smashed”.

“The master stroke was when they teamed the cooked sashimi with a delicious invention they’ve called ‘julienne potatoes’, which are also boiled in oil,” she said. “Then they serve everything wrapped in old newspaper, which is set to become as popular as the mason jar.”

The fish and chip shop next door is being sued for defamation after it suggested cooked sashimi might in fact be an overpriced version of the exact same thing it has been serving for the past 50 years.

Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

LEFTY ROOM
The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace.

“The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show up, which often causes massacres,” a government spokesperson said. “This way they can preach that their opinion is correct without having any other opinions getting in the way.”

The vegan-friendly rooms will be fitted with dummies for the left to yell insults at and contain materials for creating angry signs.

The left has said the rooms are a lifesaver in a world where nearly every subject, idea and thing can cause offence.

If the lefty rooms are successful, the government said it plans to also to roll out extreme righty rooms where people with conservative opinions can conduct virtual-reality hate crimes.

Man Asking for Paris Restaurant Recommendations on Facebook Admits he was Just Humblebragging

HUMBLEBRAG

A Sydney man has revealed he didn’t really care what answers people gave to his question enquiring where a good Mexican-Italian-fusion-yum-cha-street-food truck is in Paris, and in fact was only asking the question so everyone knew he was in France and that he enjoys fancy cuisine that likely doesn’t even exist yet.

“I had to do it because my check-in at the Qantas Club Lounge didn’t get the attention it deserved,” said the 18-year-old stay-at-home son. “I even took a picture of my business class ticket poking out of my passport, with a slightly out of focus Champagne glass in the background and tagged it #BLESSED. People should be going out of their way to validate my existence.”

The man told The Sydney Sentinel that using his parents’ money to invest in himself is a “huge accomplishment” and that he should be praised for sitting on a plane for a long time as that’s “something poor people can’t afford to do, and if they could they would just buy drugs, but not the good ones I buy”.

He decided to come out and admit his attention-seeking post in order to seek more attention by featuring in the news.

Sydney Man Takes Out AVO Against Avo

AVO on avo

A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.

“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.

“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”

A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.

“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”

The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.