Unsmashed Avo Tipped to be Sydney’s Next Big Food Trend

NonSmashedAvo

A Bondi café has been awarded five chef’s hats and hailed as “fucking genius” for serving customers whole, unpeeled avocados on toast, a bold departure from smashed avo, which dominated global headlines throughout the year.

The chef said the new creation “aligns beautifully” with his philosophy of making whole foods whole again.

“Smashed avo was really just part of that ridiculous ‘deconstructed food’ trend, which is so 2017,” he said. “We wanted to ditch the fads and get back to basics for 2018. Our food is so wholesomely whole we don’t even peel off the little sticker that comes naturally from the tree.”

Sunday brunch fans have been lining up for the dish since 4am Wednesday morning, with many saying they’re willing to spend all the deposit their parents gave them for their first home on this culinary marvel.

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Woman Sues Hairdresser after Purple Hair Fails to Make her More Creative

PurplePest

A Marrickville woman is suing the hairdressing salon that coloured her hair purple, claiming it didn’t boost her creativity in any way, even when she teamed it with a vintage dress and mismatched socks.

The passionate barista, who gets up early every day to milk her own almonds, said the change in hair colour did nothing to help her make a start on the book she’s been writing for more than 10 years.

“I’ve been experimenting with creativity supplements my whole life and, while I can confirm some things, like round, clear-framed glasses, gave me good gains, dying my hair purple did nothing,” the woman said.

Doctors have confirmed that dying your hair purple, or any other unnatural colour, will not make you more creative.

“People need to get back to basics and understand that if you want to be a creative you probably should try creating something,” one doctor said. “Creativity supplements like purple hair are for that final three per cent extra when you’ve already put in the hard work.”

Cyclist Shakes Head Clean off Body

Cyclist Head

A Sydney cyclist has managed to shake his head clean off his body this morning while attempting to show his annoyance to those walking slowly on the busy CBD footpath he was belting down.

Those who witnessed the self-decapitation said it was pretty funny.

“He was weaving down the footpath tisking, dinging his bell and violently shaking his head all at the same time,” one pedestrian said. “If he just stuck to bell ringing or even gentle swearing like a regular cyclist he might have still had a head to shake at people on his ride home. Anyway, sucked in to the pest.”

The cyclist is somehow still alive and recovering in hospital, despite no longer having a head.

“At least without a head I’ll be breathing out less planet-harming carbon dioxide,” the cyclist said through an electrolarynx connected to his neck stump. “I can now proudly judge anyone with a head as a backwards redneck planet killer.”

The man said he’ll be adding “and head” to his “one less car” sticker.

Hipsters Angry oBikes are Making Cycling Mainstream

oBIke dumped

Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.

“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”

Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.

“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”

Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.

“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”

An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.

Hipster Shamed by Spotify Time Capsule Full of Pop Music

hipster

A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history ­– was full of trashy pop music.

The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.

“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”

Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.

“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.

“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”

The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.

Cooked Sashimi set to be Sydney’s Next Food Craze

fish and chips

Cooked sashimi is widely tipped to become Sydney’s hottest new food trend after a new Bondi Beach takeaway opened to rave reviews over the weekend.

“What we do is roll flake in batter and then boil it in oil,” the mastermind behind the venture said. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever tried before.”

Bloggers have been quick to embrace the new trend, with one reviewer dubbing it “the most significant culinary innovation since someone discovered avo could be smashed”.

“The master stroke was when they teamed the cooked sashimi with a delicious invention they’ve called ‘julienne potatoes’, which are also boiled in oil,” she said. “Then they serve everything wrapped in old newspaper, which is set to become as popular as the mason jar.”

The fish and chip shop next door is being sued for defamation after it suggested cooked sashimi might in fact be an overpriced version of the exact same thing it has been serving for the past 50 years.

Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”