A Sydney man has revealed he didn’t really care what answers people gave to his question enquiring where a good Mexican-Italian-fusion-yum-cha-street-food truck is in Paris, and in fact was only asking the question so everyone knew he was in France and that he enjoys fancy cuisine that likely doesn’t even exist yet.
“I had to do it because my check-in at the Qantas Club Lounge didn’t get the attention it deserved,” said the 18-year-old stay-at-home son. “I even took a picture of my business class ticket poking out of my passport, with a slightly out of focus Champagne glass in the background and tagged it #BLESSED. People should be going out of their way to validate my existence.”
The man told The Sydney Sentinel that using his parents’ money to invest in himself is a “huge accomplishment” and that he should be praised for sitting on a plane for a long time as that’s “something poor people can’t afford to do, and if they could they would just buy drugs, but not the good ones I buy”.
He decided to come out and admit his attention-seeking post in order to seek more attention by featuring in the news.
A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.
“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.
“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”
A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.
“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”
The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.
A coffee machine with a beard has been awarded first prize at Sydney’s annual Hot Beverages and Biscuits Festival.
Dr Nonstrife, a spokesperson for Maroubra General Hospital, where the machine is located, said he only put the beard on the machine for a bit of a laugh, but decided to enter it into the competition after discovering that the addition improved the taste of the coffee buy at least 400 per cent.
“We have no idea how it happened, but the beard really did improve the machine’s ability to spit out a cappuccino, be ironic and think of itself as unique – despite the fact we have the same machine on every level of the hospital,” Dr Nonstrife said. “It’s been especially popular with the folk coming in for avo hand injuries.”
A nurse at the hospital said she didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but was grateful that the funds raised meant the hospital might soon be able to pay her a living wage.
“When we jacked up the price to $12 we had lines out the door wanting to taste the machine’s bearded magic,” she said. “As somebody with things to do, instant coffee does me fine. Maybe if I had a trust fund or a job that didn’t matter, I’d have more appreciation for the finer things in life.”
A spokesperson for the Hot Beverages and Biscuits festival said the machine nailed it.
“We’re used to a belittling quip from talented baristas first thing in the morning, but this machine took things one step further and ignored us completely. It was spellbinding,” he said.
The machine is back on location at Maroubra General Hospital, now sporting a “funny hat” and a “shirt featuring a band you’ve never heard of”. Coffee prices are set to rise accordingly.
Hipsters are moving away from the overly stylised lifestyles they are known for and embracing minimalism, according to a new report, which notes that many have made the switch overnight by simply packing everything they own into self-storage boxes.
“Minimalism is heaps easier than being a hipster,” one overnight convert said. “I save heaps of time in the morning now that I’ve packed away my beard wax and cold-drip-coffee maker. I don’t even have to make my bed in the morning because I don’t have one anymore.”
Veteran converts who have been minimalists “at least a week” describe their transition to the trend as more of an “authentic evolution”.
“It was a natural progression from fixed-gear bike to no-gear bike and then no bike at all,” one man said. “Next I got rid of my thick-rimmed glasses, because I have perfect eyesight anyway, and my typewriter, because I can’t write.”
The man said he has gotten used to living without any furniture or bedding but admitted that even he had packed some essential items – such as a collection of ironic T-shirts, colourful knitted jumpers and knee-length socks – into a self-storage box for safekeeping.
Hipster minimalist converts are currently favouring TAXIBOX because it requires hardly any work or original thought, as “all the most cool and original people are doing it”.
The fruit responsible for preventing people from being able to afford waterfront mansions in Sydney is continuing its reign of terror by causing brunch-lovers to slice their own hands open, experts have warned.
“The avocado has a natural booby-trap built in to protect themselves from hipster folk,” a government health spokesperson said. “When a bearded breakfast eater tries to show off by opening an avocado using a fixed-gear knife, they often cut straight through the fruit and stab themselves in the hand. This could be because beards limit peripheral vision, fine motor skills and general intelligence.”
The problem is so widespread that medical professionals have called for warning labels to be placed on avocados.
“People have sustained serious injuries because of this dangerous fruit – and then there’re those who’ve stabbed themselves ironically while eating a banana or apple,” one doctor said. “It’s a real epidemic.”
Instead of turning hipsters off, many view the scar left by an avocado incident as a badge of honour.
“The scar lets people know I’m serious about breakfast,” one Newtown local said.
Many inner-city hospitals have become so overrun with avocado-related injuries they’ve had to hire in-house barbers and baristas for peak periods, such as Sunday brunch.
New mum Suzette Rose had to be tied down in her North Bondi apartment today after a photo of her newborn daughter failed to earn 1,000 likes on Facebook.
“At first I was angry at myself,” Rose told the Sydney Sentinel under heavy sedation. “But then I realised it was my daughter’s fault. She simply didn’t turn out as likeable as me.”
“Facebook shows you what you’re worth as a person,” social media expert Wyatt Donnelly said. “The more likes you get, the better person you are. Unfortunately, I don’t see big things for this youngster. Facebook has spoken.”
Determined not to give up on her daughter, Rose has purchased several photo-editing apps and booked an appointment with Sydney’s most respected paediatric plastic surgeon.
A Bondi-based dealer specialising in vegan, organic, fair trade party drugs has gone out of business after recreational users opted to stick with conventional options.
“I’m quite surprised it didn’t work out,” the dealer said. “I really thought I’d found a gap in the market.”
However polls have revealed that drug users actively refuse to apply their usual standards of ethics, common sense and hygiene to their drug use.
“I always eat organic and will only drink fair trade coffee, but drugs are different,” one user said. “Coke’s meant to be a bit of harmless fun and it’s a real downer to think about how many people died getting it out of the poverty-stricken countries it comes from and into my nose.”
Another user agreed, adding: “Usually I don’t even like touching a public toilet without using a piece of toilet paper as a barrier, but I’ll snort a line off pretty much anything.”