Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

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Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

LEFTY ROOM
The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace.

“The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show up, which often causes massacres,” a government spokesperson said. “This way they can preach that their opinion is correct without having any other opinions getting in the way.”

The vegan-friendly rooms will be fitted with dummies for the left to yell insults at and contain materials for creating angry signs.

The left has said the rooms are a lifesaver in a world where nearly every subject, idea and thing can cause offence.

If the lefty rooms are successful, the government said it plans to also to roll out extreme righty rooms where people with conservative opinions can conduct virtual-reality hate crimes.

Man Asking for Paris Restaurant Recommendations on Facebook Admits he was Just Humblebragging

HUMBLEBRAG

A Sydney man has revealed he didn’t really care what answers people gave to his question enquiring where a good Mexican-Italian-fusion-yum-cha-street-food truck is in Paris, and in fact was only asking the question so everyone knew he was in France and that he enjoys fancy cuisine that likely doesn’t even exist yet.

“I had to do it because my check-in at the Qantas Club Lounge didn’t get the attention it deserved,” said the 18-year-old stay-at-home son. “I even took a picture of my business class ticket poking out of my passport, with a slightly out of focus Champagne glass in the background and tagged it #BLESSED. People should be going out of their way to validate my existence.”

The man told The Sydney Sentinel that using his parents’ money to invest in himself is a “huge accomplishment” and that he should be praised for sitting on a plane for a long time as that’s “something poor people can’t afford to do, and if they could they would just buy drugs, but not the good ones I buy”.

He decided to come out and admit his attention-seeking post in order to seek more attention by featuring in the news.

Sydney Man Takes Out AVO Against Avo

AVO on avo

A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.

“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.

“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”

A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.

“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”

The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.

Hospital Coffee Machine with a Beard takes out Coffee Festival Prize

Coffee beard

A coffee machine with a beard has been awarded first prize at Sydney’s annual Hot Beverages and Biscuits Festival.

Dr Nonstrife, a spokesperson for Maroubra General Hospital, where the machine is located, said he only put the beard on the machine for a bit of a laugh, but decided to enter it into the competition after discovering that the addition improved the taste of the coffee buy at least 400 per cent.

“We have no idea how it happened, but the beard really did improve the machine’s ability to spit out a cappuccino, be ironic and think of itself as unique – despite the fact we have the same machine on every level of the hospital,” Dr Nonstrife said. “It’s been especially popular with the folk coming in for avo hand injuries.”

A nurse at the hospital said she didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but was grateful that the funds raised meant the hospital might soon be able to pay her a living wage.

“When we jacked up the price to $12 we had lines out the door wanting to taste the machine’s bearded magic,” she said. “As somebody with things to do, instant coffee does me fine. Maybe if I had a trust fund or a job that didn’t matter, I’d have more appreciation for the finer things in life.”

A spokesperson for the Hot Beverages and Biscuits festival said the machine nailed it.

“We’re used to a belittling quip from talented baristas first thing in the morning, but this machine took things one step further and ignored us completely. It was spellbinding,” he said.

The machine is back on location at Maroubra General Hospital, now sporting a “funny hat” and a “shirt featuring a band you’ve never heard of”. Coffee prices are set to rise accordingly.

Hipsters Evolving into Minimalists, Trend Report Shows

TaxiBox HIPSTERS

Hipsters are moving away from the overly stylised lifestyles they are known for and embracing minimalism, according to a new report, which notes that many have made the switch overnight by simply packing everything they own into self-storage boxes.

“Minimalism is heaps easier than being a hipster,” one overnight convert said. “I save heaps of time in the morning now that I’ve packed away my beard wax and cold-drip-coffee maker. I don’t even have to make my bed in the morning because I don’t have one anymore.”

Veteran converts who have been minimalists “at least a week” describe their transition to the trend as more of an “authentic evolution”.

“It was a natural progression from fixed-gear bike to no-gear bike and then no bike at all,” one man said. “Next I got rid of my thick-rimmed glasses, because I have perfect eyesight anyway, and my typewriter, because I can’t write.”

The man said he has gotten used to living without any furniture or bedding but admitted that even he had packed some essential items – such as a collection of ironic T-shirts, colourful knitted jumpers and knee-length socks – into a self-storage box for safekeeping.

Hipster minimalist converts are currently favouring TAXIBOX because it requires hardly any work or original thought, as “all the most cool and original people are doing it”.

Calls for Warning Labels on Avocados as the Fruit Smashes People Back

Avocado

The fruit responsible for preventing people from being able to afford waterfront mansions in Sydney is continuing its reign of terror by causing brunch-lovers to slice their own hands open, experts have warned.

“The avocado has a natural booby-trap built in to protect themselves from hipster folk,” a government health spokesperson said. “When a bearded breakfast eater tries to show off by opening an avocado using a fixed-gear knife, they often cut straight through the fruit and stab themselves in the hand. This could be because beards limit peripheral vision, fine motor skills and general intelligence.”

The problem is so widespread that medical professionals have called for warning labels to be placed on avocados.

“People have sustained serious injuries because of this dangerous fruit – and then there’re those who’ve stabbed themselves ironically while eating a banana or apple,” one doctor said. “It’s a real epidemic.”

Instead of turning hipsters off, many view the scar left by an avocado incident as a badge of honour.

“The scar lets people know I’m serious about breakfast,” one Newtown local said.

Many inner-city hospitals have become so overrun with avocado-related injuries they’ve had to hire in-house barbers and baristas for peak periods, such as Sunday brunch.