Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.
“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”
Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.
“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”
Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.
“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”
An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.
A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history – was full of trashy pop music.
The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.
“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”
Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.
“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.
“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”
The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.
A Sydney man has revealed he didn’t really care what answers people gave to his question enquiring where a good Mexican-Italian-fusion-yum-cha-street-food truck is in Paris, and in fact was only asking the question so everyone knew he was in France and that he enjoys fancy cuisine that likely doesn’t even exist yet.
“I had to do it because my check-in at the Qantas Club Lounge didn’t get the attention it deserved,” said the 18-year-old stay-at-home son. “I even took a picture of my business class ticket poking out of my passport, with a slightly out of focus Champagne glass in the background and tagged it #BLESSED. People should be going out of their way to validate my existence.”
The man told The Sydney Sentinel that using his parents’ money to invest in himself is a “huge accomplishment” and that he should be praised for sitting on a plane for a long time as that’s “something poor people can’t afford to do, and if they could they would just buy drugs, but not the good ones I buy”.
He decided to come out and admit his attention-seeking post in order to seek more attention by featuring in the news.
A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.
“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.
“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”
A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.
“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”
The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.