There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
A local dad has given up pretending he will take the Christmas tree down, finally admitting to his family that it’s staying up ‘till next December, even if it smells like rotting anus.
After originally telling his wife he’d take the tree down on Boxing Day, then New Year’s Day, Australia Day and then Valentine’s Day, he broke down, admitting it was never going to happen and the family was just going to have to live with it.
“You’d think they be happy,” the man said. “We now have a designated place to have family arguments all year round, rather just on Christmas Day.”
He admitted he likely should have gone a fake tree, noting that he could skewer a full-sized doner kebab on one of the tree’s dried-up pine needles.
“In fact, I might do that, get back in the good books with the family,” he said.
A Sydney man is set to once again achieve none of his well-thought-out plans over the Christmas holidays, including reading a book, returning from a 14-year exercise break and being a good dad.
“I always plan to get so much done,” the man said. “But by the time the holidays are almost over, I’ve wasted the whole thing looking at my phone in bed, on the couch, or while driving the car.”
“To make matters worse, I then waste the remainder of the holidays feeling anxious about not doing anything with my holidays, so I return to work with mild brain damage.”
He is not alone, with scientists from the CSIRO discovering more than 93 per cent of Sydney-siders waste their holidays doing exactly what they usually do at work, only in underwear.