Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Man Forgets He’s not at Work and Pisses All Over Home Toilet

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A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.

“I was on autopilot ­– or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”

The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.

“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”

The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.

Malcolm Turnbull Bans Homelessness

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Australian Prime Minister and owner of one the largest money collections in the world Malcolm Turnbull has today banned the act of not having a home.

There’s “no excuse” for not owning your own home, Turnbull said, adding a warning that “renters are next” on his list of things to ban.

“Australia is the lucky country, so why would you choose not to be lucky and own your own home?” he said. “The least you could do is get your folks to buy you one. Or do as Joe Hockey advised and get a better paying job. There are just so many options.”

The move has shocked the homeless, with many saying they weren’t sure where they would go now that they’ve been banned.

“Most of us would actually much rather be living inside a home than living out of a shopping trolley with no access to water, electricity or PornHub,” a spokesperson said. “But I’m not sure how banning us will help us achieve that.”

Others in the homeless community have welcomed the news, describing it as “exactly the motivation we needed to get our acts together and get a foot into Sydney’s property market by selling drugs, just like all those people who own waterfront homes”.

Federal Budget 2017 Forces First Homebuyers to Live in Self-storage Boxes

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Savvy first homebuyers looking to get into the not-being-homeless market in Sydney after today’s Federal Budget announcement have begun investing in “alternative housing”, with self-storage boxes from companies such as TaxiBox emerging as a popular choice.

“I was originally going to store my stuff and sleep on the street but then I saw the words ‘self storage’ on the box and had a light-bulb moment – why not literally store my self?” one proud new homeowner said. “I’m from the eastern suburbs so most of my friends were gifted an apartment or two for their 18th birthday, but my parents are just regular millionaire Aussie battlers, so I’ve had to fend for myself since graduating from Cranbrook.”

While critics have bemoaned the lack of natural light and air, real estate agents have embraced the trend, with one listing a TaxiBox self-storage container as a “New York-style blank canvas with outstanding potential to add value”, noting that the company “even brings your new home to you – who else offers a service like that?”.

Man Wastes Sickie Feeling Anxious About Taking Sickie

A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.

“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”

What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”

The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.