CEOs Tackle Homelessness by Hunting Them in Virtual Reality at Sleepout Charity Event

HUNTING

Sydney’s elite gathered last night to sleep like homeless people do, except with a few creature comforts, like being indoors, lobster canapes, hookers, cocaine, Champagne and a virtual reality game called “Big bucks hunting the poor”, which allows users to engage with “close-to-real” homeless people by shooting them.

Participants described the event as one of the highlights of their social calendar.

“The networking opportunities at this event are extraordinary,” one banking CEO said. “It also goes to show the homeless are simply lazy, as I made more than $5 billion last night striking up new deals… oh, and I personally helped more than 60 virtual homeless people get off the street permanently, thanks to my boom-stick.”

Another CEO, who describes himself as a self-made millionaire who turned a trillion-dollar inheritance into thousands all by himself, said the event was “eye opening”.

“No wonder people choose to be homeless, it’s amazing!” he said while enjoying a peking-duck on a stick. “I’m actually thinking of becoming homeless next year for tax reasons, so it’s grand to get some practice in this luxury setting.”

The event, which raised $10 million for charities providing services for the homeless, cost $40 billion, half of which was spent on cocaine for those who choose not to sleep at the sleepout.

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Malcolm Turnbull Bans Homelessness

TURNBULL

Australian Prime Minister and owner of one the largest money collections in the world Malcolm Turnbull has today banned the act of not having a home.

There’s “no excuse” for not owning your own home, Turnbull said, adding a warning that “renters are next” on his list of things to ban.

“Australia is the lucky country, so why would you choose not to be lucky and own your own home?” he said. “The least you could do is get your folks to buy you one. Or do as Joe Hockey advised and get a better paying job. There are just so many options.”

The move has shocked the homeless, with many saying they weren’t sure where they would go now that they’ve been banned.

“Most of us would actually much rather be living inside a home than living out of a shopping trolley with no access to water, electricity or PornHub,” a spokesperson said. “But I’m not sure how banning us will help us achieve that.”

Others in the homeless community have welcomed the news, describing it as “exactly the motivation we needed to get our acts together and get a foot into Sydney’s property market by selling drugs, just like all those people who own waterfront homes”.