Man in Hospital After Early Uber Arrival Forces Him to Skol 400 Beers


A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.

A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.

“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”

The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.

“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”

A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.

“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.


Dr Google Makes Record Number of Cancer Diagnoses

Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.

Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.

One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.

“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”

People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.

Garbage Man Finally Discharged From Hospital After Drinking All His Christmas Gifts in One Night


A Botany area garbage man was discharged from hospital today after spending almost six months in bed as the result of an unprecedented bender in which he attempted to drink all of his Christmas presents from local residents in one night.

“It would’ve been rude not to drink them all, but after polishing off the 10,836 six-packs residents had left out as gifts, I spent Christmas Day praying to the porcelain gods instead of Santa,” the man said. “I even opened a few gifts from under the tree and drunk those as well. One was a radio-controlled car, so I’m not sure how I managed that.”

A NSW government health spokesperson pinned the blame squarely on the generosity of the Botany community.

“A thing like this wouldn’t happen in the wealthier suburbs us government folk like to live, as we simply do not give presents to people who are beneath us,” she said. “Taking out our trash is an honour for these men, and we remind them every single week with insults, not beers once a year at Christmas that could lead to this sort of thing happening. It’s a disgrace.”

The garbage man has refused to admit defeat, but has asked that every second home in his local area leave out a bottle of Jagermeister and a few Red Bulls instead of beers this year, to ensure he will have the energy he needs to enjoy all his gifts in one night.

Hospital Blunder Sees Patient Put on a Cask Instead of in a Cast


A doctor’s poor handwriting has been blamed for a hospital mix up that left a man with a broken leg on an IV drip hooked up to cask wine overnight, instead of being put in a cast.

This is just the latest in a string of goofs from the struggling Bondi ER, which last month was in hot water for giving a patient a second heart attack after leasing the bed opposite him to a blue movie studio.

The Sydney man who was given dry red intravenously was in good spirits this morning, despite the bungle. “Well, it worked – my leg’s no longer sore at all,” he said. “I might even try my luck hooking the wife and me up when I get home, she loves a wine.”

The doctor in charge said staff would not be facing disciplinary action. “I’m not even sure why cask wine was in the hospital supply room,” he said. “But many great discoveries happen by accident.”