Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Channel Ten Introduces Controversial New Show The Bachelor (of Arts)

Bachelor

The first season of The Bachelor (of Arts), a spinoff from popular Channel Ten show The Bachelor, has raised eyebrows after it was revealed none of the contestants managed to catch the eye of the single employer whose attention they were competing for.

Controversy has surrounded The Bachelor (of Arts) ahead of its upcoming launch, after leaked documents emerged showing that the eligible employer at the centre of the show had “decided to go in another direction and make the role redundant rather than employ any of the halfwits who had applied”.

Promotional materials describe the show, which pits 24 recent Bachelor of Arts graduates against one another to win the love, affection and security of one employer, as much like the network’s traditional The Bachelorprograms, except that the contestants are “far more desperate”.

Each episode sees the employer test the graduates’ skills through challenges such as stapling, sending an email and gossiping in the kitchen with a biscuit.

A Channel Ten spokesperson said the show was worth watching, even though none of the contestants had found a lifelong career.

“The intrigue surrounding what Bachelor of Arts students are actually good at has been one of the great mysteries of our time,” the spokesperson said. “In this almost-too-close-to-reality show, we dig deep and discover very little. It’s an amazing journey.”

All 24 former contestants are now working in cafes or bars while working on the next great Australian novel.