Professional Wrestling Proven to be Real Sport


Professional wrestling, once thought to be a kind of performance art combining athletics with theatrics, is a real sport, a bullet-proof CSIRO report has confirmed.

Sydney wrestler Ben Hurt said he was surprised by the report’s findings, but only because he hadn’t realised people thought what he did for a living was fake.

“This sure helps explain a few things,” he said. “I nearly ended it all after the crowd cheered for my then-best friend when he beat me half to death with a chair and then announced he was sleeping with my wife.”

Local wrestler Big Potato agreed that the assumptions behind the report were the most surprising thing about it.

“I can’t believe people thought wrestling had predetermined outcomes like boxing,” he said. “Hopefully this will bring in more crowds so some of us, like The Undertaker, The Repo Man and Doink the Clown won’t have to work second jobs to make ends meet.”

There is now a push to have professional wrestling in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games.


Turnbull Secretly Trained by WWE Legend Hulk Hogan for Angry Rant


Malcolm Turnbull has been taking speech-writing lessons from WWE legend Hulk Hogan, it has been revealed, days after the prime minister launched a blistering verbal attack on opposition leader Bill Shorten.

Turnbull, who has a reputation for boring speeches, received an intensive crash course in trash talk from the master of wrestling promos, Hulk Hogan, in the weeks before he branded Shorten as a “great sycophant of billionaires” who spends his time “sucking hard in the living rooms of Melbourne”.

Hogan confirmed he was behind Turnbull’s incredible transformation, adding that the feud between the prime minister and the opposition leader had potential to become a classic rivalry.

“You know something, brother? If all the Turnbullmaniacs want it, I can see Optimus Prime Minister headlining Wrestlemania against Bumbling BS,” he said.

Hogan said he would also be advising the PM on the entrance music he should use for appearances in parliament and press conferences, as well as a signature pose and finishing move.

Leaked documents show that Pink Floyd’s “Money” tops the list of suggested entrance music, while proposed poses include “Make it Rain”, where Turnbull slices $100 notes off his hand into the crowd, and the finishing move is likely to be the Turn Bull, where he performs a pirouette before spearing an opponent.