The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.
Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.
This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.
“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”
Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.
A Sydney man has had his self-confidence shattered after discovering he couldn’t pronounce about 50 words in a children’s picture book he was reading aloud at his girlfriend’s family gathering.
After bombing a dozen or so challenging words, the man said he simply began replacing them with something easier or skipped the stumpers completely.
“I thought I’d get some bonus points with my girlfriend for reading the kid’s a book, but it backfired big time, with one dodgy-looking uncle asking if I was retarded and some four-year-old genius encouraging me to try sounding the big words out,” he said.
The man is not alone, according to the Reading Writing Hotline, which receives hundreds of calls from distressed aunties, uncles and other folks who take an L when attempting to read a picture book to children at a social gathering.
“Most young adults haven’t read anything more than the odd TAB guide since leaving school,” a spokesperson for the Reading Writing Hotline said. “We recommend they stick to more practical ways of impressing kids, like starting a game of cricket or getting blind drunk.”
Inspired by the way the Sydney café scene flourished after adding babyccinos to the menu in the early 2000s, a Surry Hills pub has begun offering schoonerchinos to keep young children entertained while their parents drink.
The publican behind the innovation, who describes his mini schooners as “caffeine-free and perfect for little hands”, said there was no longer any reason for patrons to leave the pub early or leave their kids locked in the car while they drink.
“We’ve found many of our customers aren’t able to drink as much as they’d like to because of family annoyances like having to pick their kids up from school or be home to make breakfast. This way, they can simply bring their kids with them in the morning and spend the day together as a loving family,” he said. “We’re even thinking of running a lesson or two in the pokie lounge to teach the little ones about math or computers or something.”
A government spokesperson has called the move “earth shattering for families”, adding that “it takes a village to raise a child, and a pub provides that village environment perfectly”.
The pub said it would limit kids to eight regular schooners and 52 schoonerccinos an hour.
A Sydney man with three young children is ecstatic to be back at work today after a gruelling long weekend spent with his wife and kids.
“I hate long weekends,” the man said. “Work is a bludge compared to being forced to spend time with your own wife and kids. I often stay back late or just hide at a pub on weeknights so I’m home after everybody has gone to bed.”
The man said coming home late had the added benefit of earning him a little bit of sympathy and respect.
“My wife thinks I’m such a hard worker, when, in reality, I spend most of my work day on the toilet, on Facebook or wondering what I’m meant to be doing,” he said.
The man is just one of the millions of men around Australia silently suffering through life.
A Sydney woman who openly admits to planning not to have children despite the fact she is biologically capable of doing so has spoken out, saying she’s sick of trying to hide her selfish nature.
“I just really want to focus on my career, volunteer work and being a good friend, aunt and daughter to my own obviously non-selfish mother,” she said, adding that a number of well-meaning relatives had ensured she was made fully aware that this choice would be a waste of her “childbearing hips” and mean she would “never experience true love or happiness”.
“I know it’s very self-centered not to want to contribute to global overpopulation issues or have children of my own despite the fact there are so many in state care,” she said. “But I do my best to make up for it by paying taxes to help support schools, single-parent pensions and maternity leave, and by babysitting for friends and family.”
The comments came in the wake of a statement recently issued by a Sydney-based taxi company, claiming it was doing its best to tackle exactly this kind of “rampant selfishness in women, which is particularly noticeable among those who live or work in the inner city”.