A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.
“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”
A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”
The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.
“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”
Direct eye contact lasting more than three seconds with fellow passengers has been banned today on all Sydney transport, including train, bus and ferry travel, with an on-the-spot five-year prison sentence issued to anyone found violating the new law.
The rule is being introduced after surveys revealed that “other people” is most travellers’ biggest problem with public transport.
“I’d catch public transport more often if it weren’t for the other people,” said Carl Maxwell, who chooses to drive to work alone to avoid human contact. “I feel this eye-contact ban will really help reduce social anxiety levels and make people like me rethink my commuting habits.”
“It’s a good start, but more needs to be done,” regular train passenger Tim Rogers said. “Let’s ban looking up from your phone completely. It’s unnecessary and puts people on edge.”
The new law is the next step in the NSW government’s crackdown on anti-social social behaviour, which saw 5,000 people executed for talking violations last month.
Angry cycling groups have called for a pedestrian registration program to be rolled out across Sydney following complaints of pedestrian misconduct causing cyclists to have to slow down on footpaths and stop at zebra crossings.
“Pedestrians have had it their way on the footpath for far too long,” said one keen cyclist. “A licensing system means I’d be able to spend my nights identifying slow or erratic walkers from my Go-Pro footage and report them straight to police or my dad.”
A NSW government spokesperson said the new proposal “makes sense” and is much more fair than the cycling lobby’s original proposal to “ban pedestrians all together”.
“I think a simple licence plate around the neck for pedestrians is a fashionable and intelligent solution to help cyclist-everybody-else relations,” he said.