Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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Pauline Hanson Discovers Topic More Controversial than Race

ANGRY

One Nation senator Pauline Hanson has expressed relief today after discovering her call for autistic children to be removed from classrooms was met with widespread outrage.

“I thought I was losing my touch,” she said. “Comments about race just don’t get that kind of reaction anymore, so it’s reassuring to know people still get fired up about children with disabilities.”

Experts have described Hanson as “the ultimate barometer” for Australian opinion.

“Nothing gives a more accurate read on what people really care about,” one political forecaster said. “The leaked tapes about the party plane have been quickly forgotten about, but I predict she’s onto a real winner with the disabled children.”