A stay-at-home twelfth-year student has discovered comfort in an echo chamber within a TaxiBox storage unit outside his parents’ Sydney chateau.
“I’ve finally met that special someone who says exactly what I demand other people think,” the self-proclaimed woke-ologist said. “And that person happens to be the most respected life form I’ve ever met – me.”
The man, who insisted we mention he attended North Sydney Private School for the Private, slammed those who argue his viewpoints by adding ‘ophobe’ to any word to shame people into silence.
“Thank God – who doesn’t exist, mind you – the echo inside my storage container never disagrees with me,” the man who now also wants us to mention he’s a genius said. “This is my safe space.”
A TaxiBox spokesperson said the student had missed the point of its service providing a way to easily store or move belongings, but added that the company never judges the “creative” ways people choose to use its units. “However, we may make an exception this time for a laugh,” he said.
The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.
A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.
“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”
One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.
“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.
An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.
One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.
“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”
An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.
“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”
The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.
Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.
“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”
Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.
“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”
One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.
A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.
“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.
However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.
University students have today held a nationwide protest about having no time to study or attend lectures due to their relentless protesting schedule.
A typical daily protest schedule for a university student involves approximately eight marches, flag burnings or yelling loudly at people nearby, for causes ranging from the removal of bindis on a remote soccer field in Africa to something about gender no one quite understands.
One university student, who called himself a non-violent warlord for peace, revealed he spent more than $10,000 of his parents’ money on paint for his protest-sign slogans alone.
“Having to balance protesting and university is an impossible task,” he said. “We shouldn’t be put under so much pressure when we’re making such a huge difference to the world. It’s particularly hard for those who also have to work to pay their own way through uni – and that’s why we have a protest shaming poor parents scheduled next week.”
So far, none of the protests have been successful.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their second day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.