Man Trapped in Health Food Store Overnight Forced to Eat Own Poo

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A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.

The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.

The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”

The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.

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Netflix-like Service Lifeflix to Become Substitute to Having a Life

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Start-up company Lifeflix will next month begin streaming scenes of ordinary day-to-day life to thousands of lounge rooms across Australia.

Inspired by the never-leave-the-couch enjoyment of Netflix, the new service will provide sitting-down fanatics with point-of-view shots putting viewers in the centre of the action in a bank queue, traffic jam, or waiting on the corner for a local drug dealer, a Lifeflix spokesperson said.

“This service will help people feel they are out living life with other human beings, without the need to go out and actually live life with other human beings,” he said. “If nothing else, if will remind people why they choose to isolate themselves at home instead of suffer the outside world.”

Lifeflix will cost $9.99 a month and, if successful, will expand later this year to also offer “crippling depressing” VR experiences.