Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

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Chronic Pain Complaints on The Rise as Medical Marijuana Legalised

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Doctors are reporting a sharp increase in the number of patients seeking treatment for chronic pain following a landmark ruling legalising medical marijuana.

The ruling by the Therapeutic Goods Administration, which is set to come into effect in November, will allow those suffering from chronic pain to apply for a licence to purchase medical marijuana from all leading retailers. Pre-registration for the licence began this week.

One city-based GP denied the new laws had any relation to the increase in the number of people seeking pain relief. “Sadly, there’s just a lot of pain in the world,” he said. “In fact, I’ve had a bit of a niggling back injury myself… and so has my wife.”

Reactions from the public have been mixed, with one Newtown resident describing the ruling as “a classic case of the government doing too little too late”.

“What a joke. We’ve all moved on from marijuana, it barely treats a headache these days,” he said. “If the government really cared about people in pain, they’d legalise medical oxycodone, fentanyl, and heroin. Marijuana is for kids.”