Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

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Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.

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Friendly CBD Café Barista Scares Off Morning Customers

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Hundreds of workers based in a prominent city office block have resorted to travelling for their coffee or quit drinking it altogether after an overly friendly barista made it impossible for them to get their daily fix from the café in the foyer of their building.

“I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier than usual to get to a non-English-speaking café several blocks away,” one city employee said of the lengths he takes to avoid conversation or eye contact before 9am. “Once they start remembering my name or my order, I’ll have to move on from here too.”

“Some mornings I’m so desperate to avoid social situations I go to McCafé,” another worker said. “At least I know they’re just trained to talk to customers in that cheerful way and it’s not sincere.”

The biggest winners are keep-cup manufacturers, who say business is booming as workers are using their neutrally branded products to smuggle coffee past their friendly office baristas without causing offence.

Life Still Rubbish For Some Fans After Grand Final Win

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As the overwhelming joy fans felt while watching their teams win a premiership subsides, life is returning to normal for some die-hard Western Bulldogs and Cronulla Sharks fans.

“I suddenly realised I hadn’t actually achieved anything,” one Cronulla Sharks supporter said. “Except for almost beating the pub record of downing 38 schooners in one game, which is held by the guy who voiced Agro.”

Others were slightly more optimistic. “Well, at least I don’t have to go to work today, thanks to the public holiday,” one fan said. “But I won’t be doing much, my face-paint bill is huge.”

Supporters of the losing teams were even more remorseful. “If you don’t bet everything you have on your team winning, you’re not a real fan,” one man said. “So I don’t think losing the house was really my fault, but it’s going to be a tough few years.”

Sharks Fans Promise to Make 2005 Cronulla Riots Look Soft

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Cronulla Sharks fans have promised it’s not a Melbourne Storm brewing over Sydney this Sunday, but a black, blue and white tornado that promises to rip through Cronulla and greater Sydney harder than the legendary riots of 2005.

A trainee riot spokesperson says 2005 was “just a warm up” and this Sunday they will show the world that Cronulla isn’t just a one-trick pony.

Late mail tells the Sydney Sentinel that Cronulla Sharks immortal Andrew Ettingshausen (ET) is confirmed to entertain the crowd at half time with a nudie run, with Melbourne Storm scrabbling to secure a private pre-game pep talk from Daryl Somers and the Hey-Hey it’s Saturday gang.

An estimated clean-up bill of $3.2b is predicted to be overshadowed by the loss of revenue from the number of “sickies” to be chucked on the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after the game.

Hipsters Search for the Next thing to Ruin

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Members of unconventional Subreddits, the themed discussion forums on popular social media site Reddit, have called for a Royal Commission into hipster practices amid claims they’ve ruined a raft of everyday things, including everything from coffee to bicycles and facial hair.

A petition signed by thousands of Subreddit moderators warns that “nothing is safe” and “fleeting hipster adoption of an interest, activity or style choice can destroy it forever”.

“A few years back vinyl records took a bearded beating,” said Ron Scott, a moderator for Subreddit dedicated to remote-controlled cars. “We even dropped our retro remote-controlled car section just in case some of these tattooed folks caught on, which seems to have foiled them. For now…”

Bob Jenkins, a moderator for a vintage motorcycle Subreddit said he initially saw the attention as a positive thing. “Our subscription base tripled overnight!” he said. “But things turned sour when discussions about engines and track days started becoming overrun by conversations about which jacket stitching looks the coolest and which sticky tape to use to make an X on a headlamp. The moment someone asked which beard wax best deals with wind, I knew we were done.”

Several other Subreddit spokespeople, who spoke to Sydney Sentinel on condition of anonymity, confirmed they had also signed the petition but asked that their interest groups not be mentioned by name, for fear of attracting “the wrong kind of attention”.