A stay-at-home twelfth-year student has discovered comfort in an echo chamber within a TaxiBox storage unit outside his parents’ Sydney chateau.
“I’ve finally met that special someone who says exactly what I demand other people think,” the self-proclaimed woke-ologist said. “And that person happens to be the most respected life form I’ve ever met – me.”
The man, who insisted we mention he attended North Sydney Private School for the Private, slammed those who argue his viewpoints by adding ‘ophobe’ to any word to shame people into silence.
“Thank God – who doesn’t exist, mind you – the echo inside my storage container never disagrees with me,” the man who now also wants us to mention he’s a genius said. “This is my safe space.”
A TaxiBox spokesperson said the student had missed the point of its service providing a way to easily store or move belongings, but added that the company never judges the “creative” ways people choose to use its units. “However, we may make an exception this time for a laugh,” he said.
Trying to prove himself smarter than everyone else, a local Sydney man can’t stop telling everyone he has only bet $2 on the Melbourne Cup this year “for a bit a harmless fun”.
No one is quite sure why the man is so proud of placing the kind of bet your nana used to put on for you when you were at school.
“This reverse humble brag technique he’s going for makes him simply unrelatable,” one man said. “Most Australians have taken out Nimble loans for this special day that are so substantial we’ll have to hit the road and live in Asia for a few years if we don’t win.”
People who have had to endure previous Melbourne Cup events with the man said he still gets very stressed out during the race.
“He’s sweats bullets during the race,” one man said. “But unlike the rest of us, he’s praying his horse doesn’t win, so he doesn’t feel like an idiot for only punting $2. It’s no way to live.”
The man is also telling everyone that he will only be drinking sparkling water to celebrate the day’s festivities and won’t have a party pie as he brought a salad in from home.
The government has issued a scam warning today cautioning workers across Australia to ignore bosses who tell them to enjoy the Melbourne Cup and not worry about doing any work this afternoon.
Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that this is a known scam and your boss will still demand the work you were meant to be doing first thing tomorrow morning in a hangover-induced rage, between shouting contradictory catchphrases like “work doesn’t stop for the Melbourne Cup, pal”.
A Sydney man said he fell for this scam last year.
“When I arrived at work on Tuesday my boss gave me 20 or so jobs due the next morning,” the man said.
“So, I was going to spend the afternoon in the office until my boss strolled in after a liquid lunch, called me Un-Australian, and to immediately join him at the pub. He even informed me that he’d already put $350 on his own nose.”
“But first thing the next morning he demanded the work, even though he knew I was hanging with him in the bathroom and sometimes the pub for the whole afternoon.”
The man was swiftly fired.
Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.
“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”
Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.
Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.
“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.
One Surry Hills local who hasn’t left his home suburb since visiting Bondi to renew his Icebergs membership, is among a growing number of Australians planning to celebrate the American tradition of Thanksgiving this week.
“Everyone in Australia does Christmas – it’s so predictable,” the man said. “I’ve never been to America and I don’t know any Americans in person, but I only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and I’m thankful for that, so it makes perfect sense I would celebrate this day with a free-range vegan turkey.”
The man’s planned festivities come less than a month after he ironically went trick-or-treating and just a month before Hanukkah, where he plans to “spin the dreidel all night long”.
Hundreds of workers based in a prominent city office block have resorted to travelling for their coffee or quit drinking it altogether after an overly friendly barista made it impossible for them to get their daily fix from the café in the foyer of their building.
“I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier than usual to get to a non-English-speaking café several blocks away,” one city employee said of the lengths he takes to avoid conversation or eye contact before 9am. “Once they start remembering my name or my order, I’ll have to move on from here too.”
“Some mornings I’m so desperate to avoid social situations I go to McCafé,” another worker said. “At least I know they’re just trained to talk to customers in that cheerful way and it’s not sincere.”
The biggest winners are keep-cup manufacturers, who say business is booming as workers are using their neutrally branded products to smuggle coffee past their friendly office baristas without causing offence.
As the overwhelming joy fans felt while watching their teams win a premiership subsides, life is returning to normal for the majority of West Coast Eagles and Sydney Roosters fans.
“I suddenly realised I hadn’t actually achieved anything,” one Sydney Roosters supporter said. “Except for almost beating the pub record of downing 398 schooners in one game.”
Others were slightly more optimistic.
“Well, at least I don’t have to go to work today, thanks to the public holiday,” one fan of the winning side said. “But I can’t afford to do much, my face-paint bill is huge.”
Supporters of the losing teams were even more remorseful.
“If you don’t bet everything you have on your team winning, you’re not a real fan,” one man said.
“So I don’t think losing the house, car and life savings was really my fault, but it’s going to be a tough few years.”