Pest Can’t Stop Telling Everyone he’s only Betting $2

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Trying to prove himself smarter than everyone else, a local Sydney man can’t stop telling everyone he has only bet $2 on the Melbourne Cup this year “for a bit a harmless fun”.

No one is quite sure why the man is so proud of placing the kind of bet your nana used to put on for you when you were at school.

“This reverse humble brag technique he’s going for makes him simply unrelatable,” one man said. “Most Australians have taken out Nimble loans for this special day that are so substantial we’ll have to hit the road and live in Asia for a few years if we don’t win.”

People who have had to endure previous Melbourne Cup events with the man said he still gets very stressed out during the race.

“He’s sweats bullets during the race,” one man said. “But unlike the rest of us, he’s praying his horse doesn’t win, so he doesn’t feel like an idiot for only punting $2. It’s no way to live.”

The man is also telling everyone that he will only be drinking sparkling water to celebrate the day’s festivities and won’t have a party pie as he brought a salad in from home.

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SCAM WARNING: Ignore Boss Who Says Not to Worry About Work This Afternoon

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The CSIRO has issued a scam warning today cautioning workers across Australia to ignore bosses who tell them to enjoy the Melbourne Cup and not worry about doing any work this afternoon.

Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that this is a known scam and your boss will still demand the work first thing tomorrow morning in a hangover-induced rage, between shouting contradictory catchphrases like “work doesn’t stop for the Melbourne Cup, pal”.

A Sydney advertising creative said she fell for this scam last year.

“Account services gave me 20 or so urgent briefs due the next morning before they clocked off for a boozy Cup lunch,” the woman said. “So, I was going to spend the afternoon in the office with the rest of the creative team, but then my creative director strolled in after a few schoonerccinos calling me un-Australian and telling me to come and get loose at the pub. H­e even informed me that he’d already put $350 on his own nose.”

“But first thing the next morning he demanded the work, even though he knew I was hanging with him in the bathroom and sometimes the pub for the whole afternoon. I probably would’ve been fired if the entire account service team hadn’t had a sick day and pushed back all the deadlines.”

Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

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Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.

Australian Hipsters Celebrate Thanksgiving as Christmas Becomes “Too Mainstream”

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One Surry Hills local who hasn’t left his home suburb since visiting Bondi to renew his Icebergs membership, is among a growing number of Australians planning to celebrate the American tradition of Thanksgiving this week.

“Everyone in Australia does Christmas – it’s so predictable,” the man said. “I’ve never been to America and I don’t know any Americans in person, but I only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and I’m thankful for that, so it makes perfect sense I would celebrate this day with a free-range vegan turkey.”

The man’s planned festivities come less than a month after he ironically went trick-or-treating and just a month before Hanukkah, where he plans to “spin the dreidel all night long”.

 

Friendly CBD Café Barista Scares Off Morning Customers

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Hundreds of workers based in a prominent city office block have resorted to travelling for their coffee or quit drinking it altogether after an overly friendly barista made it impossible for them to get their daily fix from the café in the foyer of their building.

“I have to wake up 20 minutes earlier than usual to get to a non-English-speaking café several blocks away,” one city employee said of the lengths he takes to avoid conversation or eye contact before 9am. “Once they start remembering my name or my order, I’ll have to move on from here too.”

“Some mornings I’m so desperate to avoid social situations I go to McCafé,” another worker said. “At least I know they’re just trained to talk to customers in that cheerful way and it’s not sincere.”

The biggest winners are keep-cup manufacturers, who say business is booming as workers are using their neutrally branded products to smuggle coffee past their friendly office baristas without causing offence.

Life Still Rubbish For Some Fans After Grand Final Win

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As the overwhelming joy fans felt while watching their teams win a premiership subsides, life is returning to normal for some die-hard Western Bulldogs and Cronulla Sharks fans.

“I suddenly realised I hadn’t actually achieved anything,” one Cronulla Sharks supporter said. “Except for almost beating the pub record of downing 38 schooners in one game, which is held by the guy who voiced Agro.”

Others were slightly more optimistic. “Well, at least I don’t have to go to work today, thanks to the public holiday,” one fan said. “But I won’t be doing much, my face-paint bill is huge.”

Supporters of the losing teams were even more remorseful. “If you don’t bet everything you have on your team winning, you’re not a real fan,” one man said. “So I don’t think losing the house was really my fault, but it’s going to be a tough few years.”

Sharks Fans Promise to Make 2005 Cronulla Riots Look Soft

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Cronulla Sharks fans have promised it’s not a Melbourne Storm brewing over Sydney this Sunday, but a black, blue and white tornado that promises to rip through Cronulla and greater Sydney harder than the legendary riots of 2005.

A trainee riot spokesperson says 2005 was “just a warm up” and this Sunday they will show the world that Cronulla isn’t just a one-trick pony.

Late mail tells the Sydney Sentinel that Cronulla Sharks immortal Andrew Ettingshausen (ET) is confirmed to entertain the crowd at half time with a nudie run, with Melbourne Storm scrabbling to secure a private pre-game pep talk from Daryl Somers and the Hey-Hey it’s Saturday gang.

An estimated clean-up bill of $3.2b is predicted to be overshadowed by the loss of revenue from the number of “sickies” to be chucked on the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after the game.