Sports Just an Excuse for Aussie Men to Cry, Fans Admit

sports cry

Australia’s obsession with sports may have a direct correlation to social norms discouraging men from crying, according to a new study that found many men considered seeing their team win or lose a game as the only acceptable time to leak from the eyes.

“I haven’t cried since Optimus Prime died in the ’86 Transformers movie, so it was a huge relief when I discovered the real reason men watch sports,” one self-described footy fanatic said. “Luckily, I support the Rabbitohs, so there have been plenty of opportunities for me to have a proper cry this season.”

The study also found that “an excuse to get smashed” and “an excuse to yell in public” also rated highly on the list of reasons for watching sports, with many of those surveyed pointing out the “obviousness” of these motivations.

“Why else would anyone watch sports? I mean, take away the drinking, yelling and crying, and football is pretty boring,” one man said. “The Bachelor is heaps more entertaining.”

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Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

CAFE

Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.