Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day

SundaySession

A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.

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Boss Sends Text Reminding Everyone the Weekend is Almost Over

DickheadBoss

The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.

The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.

One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.

“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”

Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.

Horror Start for Monday Morning as Boss Joins Man at Urinal

urinalboss

A lowly CBD office worker has had the worst start possible to the working week he’d been dreading since awakening at 2pm Sunday afternoon, when his boss struck up a conversation while using an adjacent urinal first thing Monday morning.

“It was agony,” the victim said. “Our office urinals don’t even have those little trough-mist shields between stations, so stage fright kicked in the moment I was hit with steaming wee shrapnel – and things never resumed.”

The fact that there were plenty of free urinals that weren’t directly next to the victim made it particularly uncomfortable, the man said.

“He chose to use the one right next to me and say crude things about the women in the office. One of those women is my wife and if what he said was true, I’ll be asking for the same service when we get home.”

The standoff was said to last seven minutes as the office worker tried everything to squeeze out even just a few drops as his boss watched on.

The man plans to abandon the urinal all together and use the privacy of a fully enclosed poo cubical from now on.

Bus Driver Beaten to Death After Being Too Cheery on Monday Morning

BUS DEATH

A 68-year-old Sydney man was beaten to death this morning while driving his regular bus route from Maroubra to Circular Quay, after passengers were offended by his positive attitude.

One passenger described the incident as the result of “justified rage” in the face of “rude happiness”.

“This was the manifestation of built up anger reaching breaking point because of the crippling sads that kick in as work looms just after Sunday brunch,” he said. “Monday morning is no time for a cheerful smile.”

Another passenger was also sympathetic to the accused attackers. “The bus ride in is the last safe place we can freely express our depression about heading into the office – it’s almost bonding seeing so many others on the verge of breakdown,” he said. “The last thing we need is a friendly bus driver smiling and saying what a great day it is.”

Transport officials agreed. “We understand certain bus drivers forget that while they simply drive a bus, the passengers on board actually have to get off and go to work,” a spokesperson said.

The driver was set to retire next week.