Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.
The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.
One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.
“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”
Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.
A 68-year-old Sydney man was beaten to death this morning while driving his regular bus route from Maroubra to Circular Quay, after passengers were offended by his positive attitude.
One passenger described the incident as the result of “justified rage” in the face of “rude happiness”.
“This was the manifestation of built up anger reaching breaking point because of the crippling sads that kick in as work looms just after Sunday brunch,” he said. “Monday morning is no time for a cheerful smile.”
Another passenger was also sympathetic to the accused attackers. “The bus ride in is the last safe place we can freely express our depression about heading into the office – it’s almost bonding seeing so many others on the verge of breakdown,” he said. “The last thing we need is a friendly bus driver smiling and saying what a great day it is.”
Transport officials agreed. “We understand certain bus drivers forget that while they simply drive a bus, the passengers on board actually have to get off and go to work,” a spokesperson said.
The driver was set to retire next week.