Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.
“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”
Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.
“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”
Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.
Sydney is set to phase out the humble $50 note over the next few months after widespread complaints that the denomination lovingly known as a “pineapple” is not worth enough to purchase anything in Sydney.
Sydney isn’t the first city to consider canning the $50 note, according to The Royal Australian Mint.
“Perth had the same problem during the mining boom, when a builder’s tea, which consists of an English breakfast teabag, milk and nine sugars, would cost up to $700,” a spokesperson said. “However, our data tells us things will only get more expensive in Sydney and it’s time to recall the fifties, add a zero and reissue them as $500 notes.”
Frustrated small-business owners agree the $50 note needs to go. “If diners want to use cash, they need a whole wheelbarrow full of fifties to pay the bill, and up to seven wheelbarrows if they want smashed avo,” one café owner said.
While $50 notes are being recalled and repurposed, the government has urged people to simply discard “irredeemable” smaller denominations, with fire pits being dug in key locations across the city’s southwest.
A Sydney man with two young children is ecstatic to be back at work today after yet another gruelling weekend spent with his wife and kids, he has admitted in an exclusive interview with The Sydney Sentinel.
A typical weekend for the man involves being yelled at for missing “Fun Family Friday” when he comes home late after having just 16 beers and a few lines with colleagues, attending up to 12 kids’ sporting events from 6 am Saturday and at least 26 kids’ birthday parties on Sunday, and enjoying “quality time” watching romantic comedies with his wife.
“I hate the weekend,” the man said. “Work is such a bludge compared to being forced to spend time with your own wife and kids. I often stay back late or just hide at a pub on weeknights so I’m home after the kids have gone to bed.”
The man said coming home late had the added benefit of earning him a little bit of sympathy and respect.
“My wife thinks I’m such a hard worker, when, in reality, I spend most of my work day on the toilet, on Facebook or wondering what I’m meant to be doing,” he said.
The man is just one of the millions of men around Australia silently suffering through life.
Vaucluse residents are set to protest the phasing out of the $100 note after the government flagged a review of the country’s highest-denomination banknote in a bid to crack down on the “black economy”.
There are currently 300 million $100 notes in circulation, with 97 per cent found in the wallets of Vaucluse residents.
“This is blasphemous,” one Vaucluse man said. “There’s no way my wallet could fit enough fifties to pay for day-to-day expenses. I’d have to have one of my servants tow a wheeled cart full of notes everywhere I go, which would obviously be ridiculous.”
“You can hardly buy a coffee with a $50 note, let alone a side of lobster!” another outraged local said. “If anything, they should scrap the $20 note. That thing is embarrassing.”
The government is determined to do whatever it is the wealthy residents request.
Redfern local Peter Panner today spoiled his weekend before it even started when he accidentally pressed “check balance” while withdrawing cash from an ATM this morning.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Panner said. “I always take an ostrich-style approach to finances, so when that negative balance popped up on screen two weeks from payday I nearly browned the new Gucci jeans I shouldn’t have bought.”
Sydney Sentinel’s money expert described Panner’s story as “a cautionary tale we can all learn from”.
“I’ve seen far too many weekends ruined by people discovering just how bad their finances really are,” he said. “It really is a case of ignorance is bliss and why wouldn’t you choose bliss when it’s an option?”
He added that there are simple things we can all do to avoid inflicting these kinds of rude financial shocks on ourselves. “Be extra careful when using an unfamiliar ATM,” he said. “Take your time and make sure you’re pressing the correct buttons.”
After a recent crackdown on jaywalking in Sydney raised more than $12.2 million in fines across a 14-day period, police are calling for a move to ban a wide range of alphabetical walking styles.
Probationary Constable Rusty Lahood described the revenue raised from the jaywalking blitz as “incredible” and “an inspiring example of what the alphabet is capable of”.
“Our station now has four pinball machines and we’ve even got one of those fancy fridges that makes ice,” he said, as he enjoyed a tall glass of iced tea.
NSW Police are now exploring the alphabet for lesser known types of walking they can crack down on. “We’re hoping to go the whole A – Z,” Lahood said, pointing out some scribbles on a 70-inch Ultra HD interactive smartboard that has recently been installed.
Future offenses could include anything from iWalking, which involves walking at speeds of more than 3km/h while looking at your phone, to kaywalking, which involves walking under the influence of ketamine and promises to raise billions of dollars’ worth of revenue in Newtown.
Lahood said he’d be happy to be assigned any of the letters, noting that it’s better than doing real police work. “It’s easy, as the people we fine are really lovely,” he said. “Professionals and regular working folk, you know? Much nicer than the criminals we used to deal with.”