Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
Bucking the trend of playing for more than four hours at many of his shows, Bruce Springsteen has thrown a curveball by playing a nine-minute set of cover songs at the Hunter Valley’s Hope Estate Vineyard on Saturday night.
The E Street Band, seemingly unimpressed with the change of direction, walked off stage mid-way through a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
“I felt my long performances filled with my own personal back catalogue of hits was getting stale, and that now was the time for me to reinvent myself with an intimate set of cover songs lasting less than 10 minutes,” Springsteen said. “Mind you, I did start wine tasting at 4am in the Hunter Valley before the show, so my judgement may have been a bit rocky.”
Concert goers didn’t have much to say about the new approach, with most passing out due to alcohol poisoning between the warm up acts featuring Diesel and Jet.
Sydney’s lockout laws have fuelled nightly hours-long speed-drinking sessions as people race to get as drunk as possible before bars and clubs close at 3am.
Historians have dubbed it “a marathon version” of the six o’ clock swill that existed from 1916 to 1955, when Sydney-siders pickled themselves into oblivion in the hour between finishing work at 5pm and the pub closing at 6pm.
Medics are calling for the lockout laws to be reviewed, noting that stampedes during last drinks in Sydney bars are “far more deadly” than coward punches.
“It’s a joke,” said one keen moderate drinker. “After having a few at home when I wake up in the arvo, hitting the pre-drinks at Dave’s, taking a longneck traveller to the pub, doing a few rounds with the boys, then doing shots at a nightclub, there’s barely time to even get a buzz before the 3am close – let alone smash $500 through Big Red or get a lappie.”
Pubs and clubs are taking the issue seriously, installing urinals and commode stools at the bar and intravenous beer taps in VIP rooms.
Politicians have promised to review the lockout laws as soon as the pubs and clubs near their recently purchased Kings Cross apartments close down.
Progressive post-rock band We Lost the Sea is tonight set to perform live at the Newtown Social Club in Sydney, in a move the music industry has described as “novel and brave”
“There’s a reason ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ comes last in the biblical saying ‘sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll’,” the band’s manager said. “But rock is all about rebelling and tonight, we’re putting the music first.”
Band members said they were relaxed about the upcoming gig, despite not having touched their instruments since a promotional photo shoot three years ago.
“Tuning a guitar can’t be as hard as tuning a hot girl, so I think we’ll be okay,” the bass player said.
The Newtown shows is set to be the band’s second last Australian appearance before beginning a European tour where the manager says they “might also play a few gigs”.
One of the band’s three guitarists has left the band in protest of the sex break.
An anonymous hacker has leaked rare photos of Aria Awards hosts The Veronicas, which show the twins fully dressed.
The images were posted to Reddit and quickly spread across social media.
A spokesperson for The Veronicas has confirmed the authenticity of the photos and told the Sydney Sentinel they were not going to let this violation of privacy go unpunished.
“To those of you looking at photos we took in the privacy of our own home, I hope you feel great about yourselves,” The Veronicas tweeted, adding that they plan to release their own photos of themselves fully clothed as “an act of revenge”.
The Sydney Opera House is set to be transformed into a club dedicated to electronic dance music and renamed the Sydney Deep House in a bid to revitalise the ageing icon.
“Nobody actually likes opera,” a spokesperson for the Sydney Opera House said. “None of us wanted to admit it, but it’s true. And if we didn’t change soon there was a real threat we’d be rezoned into another casino.”
The re-brand will see the concert hall transformed into an Ibiza-style nightclub with Strathfield Car Radio awarded the contract to update the sound system.
“We were given very strict brief – if ears aren’t bleeding, you’ve failed,” one technician said. “But honestly, if there aren’t a few heart attacks when Darude’s Sandstorm drops, we’ll feel like we’ve let Sydney down.”
The smaller 1,507-seat Joan Sutherland Theatre will be converted into a “day club with recovery music and soft lighting”, while the outdoor forecourt will be turned into a “gym-garden for those wanting to get a final pump before hitting the dance floor” an engineer confirmed.
Sydney’s die-hard opera fans are optimistic they can still save their beloved Opera House. A petition signed by all three of them concludes: “It’s not over until the fat lady sings”.
Some lucky Guns N’ Roses fans are planning to make it a double header by beginning and ending a night with Axl, Slash, Duff and the boys, as the band announces its first trip back to Australia since ’93.
“We didn’t even plan it or nothing,” said one man, who only identified himself as Robbo, swigging back a leftover KB Lager. “We just kinda, you know, kicked on from a good show and suddenly before we’ve called it a night, the boys are calling it another day!”
A second man, who goes by the name “just Ben. You know, like Kylie or Agro”, said he was stunned by news the band was returning in February. “We were just about to go home, you know, make it nice and even 20-something years, didn’t want to get too carried away, but after hearing the radio advertisement on the radio on the pub radio I just knew I had to dig deep and power on until the next show,” he said.
Sadly, William, the third member of the group, who was still wearing brown and orange Aussie Flag shorts (that looked as if they might have once been green and gold) from the big night in ’93, was unconscious the entire time the Sydney Sentinel spent with the loveable threesome at the Rooty Hill Casino.