Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found.
The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of what it means to be ironic were endemic issues.
“It was a horror show of senseless imagery, grotesque pastiches and blatant rip-offs, all presented with a faux-ironic wink,” he said. “I failed to identify a single memorable tune, charismatic frontman or epic guitar riff.”
The study comes as a timely reminder that wearing a 1980s-style pastel suit paired with a tea cosy as a hat is more likely to be a desperate cry for attention than a sign of individuality.
Channel Seven will bring Huey back to our screens this month as he explores Australia’s festival, pub, club and dodgy mate’s lounge room scene devouring jaw watering amounts of drugs.
“The only thing I’ll be cooking on my new program is myself,” Huey confirmed. “People thought I was on the nose clams anyway thanks to my colourful clothing and suspenders, but truth be told I never did anything harder than Perkins Paste.”
Huey promises to knock back all sorts of gurning gourmet on his family-friendly adventures, from the everyday pinger to the exotic flesh-eating krokodil.
“The man has an amazing work ethic,” one of the show’s producers said. “He didn’t sleep at all during the entire filming process.”
The first episode, in which Huey attends a glass barbeque with some true-blue Aussie larrikins, will air this Sunday.
A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history – was full of trashy pop music.
The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.
“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”
Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.
“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.
“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”
The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.
Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
Bucking the trend of playing for more than four hours at many of his shows, Bruce Springsteen has thrown a curveball by playing a nine-minute set of cover songs at the Hunter Valley’s Hope Estate Vineyard on Saturday night.
The E Street Band, seemingly unimpressed with the change of direction, walked off stage mid-way through a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
“I felt my long performances filled with my own personal back catalogue of hits was getting stale, and that now was the time for me to reinvent myself with an intimate set of cover songs lasting less than 10 minutes,” Springsteen said. “Mind you, I did start wine tasting at 4am in the Hunter Valley before the show, so my judgement may have been a bit rocky.”
Concert goers didn’t have much to say about the new approach, with most passing out due to alcohol poisoning between the warm up acts featuring Diesel and Jet.
Sydney’s lockout laws have fuelled nightly hours-long speed-drinking sessions as people race to get as drunk as possible before bars and clubs close at 3am.
Historians have dubbed it “a marathon version” of the six o’ clock swill that existed from 1916 to 1955, when Sydney-siders pickled themselves into oblivion in the hour between finishing work at 5pm and the pub closing at 6pm.
Medics are calling for the lockout laws to be reviewed, noting that stampedes during last drinks in Sydney bars are “far more deadly” than coward punches.
“It’s a joke,” said one keen moderate drinker. “After having a few at home when I wake up in the arvo, hitting the pre-drinks at Dave’s, taking a longneck traveller to the pub, doing a few rounds with the boys, then doing shots at a nightclub, there’s barely time to even get a buzz before the 3am close – let alone smash $500 through Big Red or get a lappie.”
Pubs and clubs are taking the issue seriously, installing urinals and commode stools at the bar and intravenous beer taps in VIP rooms.
Politicians have promised to review the lockout laws as soon as the pubs and clubs near their recently purchased Kings Cross apartments close down.
Progressive post-rock band We Lost the Sea is tonight set to perform live at the Newtown Social Club in Sydney, in a move the music industry has described as “novel and brave”
“There’s a reason ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ comes last in the biblical saying ‘sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll’,” the band’s manager said. “But rock is all about rebelling and tonight, we’re putting the music first.”
Band members said they were relaxed about the upcoming gig, despite not having touched their instruments since a promotional photo shoot three years ago.
“Tuning a guitar can’t be as hard as tuning a hot girl, so I think we’ll be okay,” the bass player said.
The Newtown shows is set to be the band’s second last Australian appearance before beginning a European tour where the manager says they “might also play a few gigs”.
One of the band’s three guitarists has left the band in protest of the sex break.