Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

SantaList

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.

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Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”