Man Between Netflix Shows Turns to Drugs to Fill Void

NetflixSads

A man who recently finished watching a series on Netflix and is still searching for a new show has turned to drugs to fill the hole that has been left in his life.

“The worst part was that I didn’t realise I had watched the finale of the most recent season until I went to watch the next episode and there wasn’t one,” the man said. “I spent the next few hours flipping through Netflix and Stan before an overwhelming sense of indecision and panic forced me to turn off the TV and take the edge off with a relaxing ice pipe.”

The man said realising that he’d watched the latest season of his favourite show and the new season wouldn’t start for at least a year felt “like a bad break-up when you’re in one of those confusing on-and-off relationships”.

“It’s a bit like grieving,” he said. “I’m still getting flashbacks and thinking often of all the characters and the good times we shared, but I’m worried those memories will soon start to fade.”

The man tried reading a book “out of desperation” but had to stop after suffering chronic imagination pains.

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Netflix-like Service Lifeflix to Become Substitute to Having a Life

fat-couch

Start-up company Lifeflix will next month begin streaming scenes of ordinary day-to-day life to thousands of lounge rooms across Australia.

Inspired by the never-leave-the-couch enjoyment of Netflix, the new service will provide sitting-down fanatics with point-of-view shots putting viewers in the centre of the action in a bank queue, traffic jam, or waiting on the corner for a local drug dealer, a Lifeflix spokesperson said.

“This service will help people feel they are out living life with other human beings, without the need to go out and actually live life with other human beings,” he said. “If nothing else, if will remind people why they choose to isolate themselves at home instead of suffer the outside world.”

Lifeflix will cost $9.99 a month and, if successful, will expand later this year to also offer “crippling depressing” VR experiences.

128 Drown While Lifeguards Busy Filming Bondi Rescue

bondi-rescue

More than 100 people have died in a horror start to the summer beach season at Bondi, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.

“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said. “If you plan on visiting our beach and you’re not a strong swimmer, make sure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”

A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing people makes for dull viewing”.

“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives, or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.