A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.
“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”
The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.
“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”
The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.
Ferocious protests have soured the relaunch of Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, who’s received his first major makeover in 56 years to better represent today’s politically correct society. The protestors are fuming that the toy giant has assumed Ken’s gender, taking toy rights back to the dark ages.
The toy maker today has apologised profusely for the mishap, speaking from their head office which is currently on fire from the protests.
“We should have let Ken assume his own gender,” said a Mattel spokesperson. “We thought we were ticking all the right boxes to not offend anyone by making Ken fat, gay, a refugee from Syria as well as an anti-vaxxer… but we clearly dropped the ball big time by calling him a man.”
The head of Mattel has been forced to step down from his position immediately, and will be spending the rest of his life in jail until he is killed by lethal injection.
Protestors have felt the punishment is a slap on the wrist and is calling for the death of all Mattel employees.
The Sydney Sentinel spoke with several children, with the overall response being that they don’t give a toss about Ken’s gender, and would rather their parents spent some time playing with them rather than protesting all the time.
Direct eye contact lasting more than three seconds with fellow passengers has been banned today on all Sydney transport, including train, bus and ferry travel, with an on-the-spot five-year prison sentence issued to anyone found violating the new law.
The rule is being introduced after surveys revealed that “other people” is most travellers’ biggest problem with public transport.
“I’d catch public transport more often if it weren’t for the other people,” said Carl Maxwell, who chooses to drive to work alone to avoid human contact. “I feel this eye-contact ban will really help reduce social anxiety levels and make people like me rethink my commuting habits.”
“It’s a good start, but more needs to be done,” regular train passenger Tim Rogers said. “Let’s ban looking up from your phone completely. It’s unnecessary and puts people on edge.”
The new law is the next step in the NSW government’s crackdown on anti-social social behaviour, which saw 5,000 people executed for talking violations last month.