Eye Contact Banned on Sydney Transport

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Direct eye contact lasting more than three seconds with fellow passengers has been banned today on all Sydney transport, including train, bus and ferry travel, with an on-the-spot five-year prison sentence issued to anyone found violating the new law.

The rule is being introduced after surveys revealed that “other people” is most travellers’ biggest problem with public transport.

“I’d catch public transport more often if it weren’t for the other people,” said Carl Maxwell, who chooses to drive to work alone to avoid human contact. “I feel this eye-contact ban will really help reduce social anxiety levels and make people like me rethink my commuting habits.”

“It’s a good start, but more needs to be done,” regular train passenger Tim Rogers said. “Let’s ban looking up from your phone completely. It’s unnecessary and puts people on edge.”

The new law is the next step in the NSW government’s crackdown on anti-social social behaviour, which saw 5,000 people executed for talking violations last month.

Cyclists Call For Pedestrian Registration

Angry cycling groups have called for a pedestrian registration program to be rolled out across Sydney following complaints of pedestrian misconduct causing cyclists to have to slow down on footpaths and stop at zebra crossings.

“Pedestrians have had it their way on the footpath for far too long,” said one keen cyclist. “A licensing system means I’d be able to spend my nights identifying slow or erratic walkers from my Go-Pro footage and report them straight to police or my dad.”

A NSW government spokesperson said the new proposal “makes sense” and is much more fair than the cycling lobby’s original proposal to “ban pedestrians all together”.

“I think a simple licence plate around the neck for pedestrians is a fashionable and intelligent solution to help cyclist-everybody-else relations,” he said.