A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.
The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.
The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”
The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.
A Sydney woman who has described herself to anyone who will listen as “a devout vegetarian” for the past 20 years has had to renounce her dietary beliefs after discovering she had been inadvertently eating meat the whole time.
“I was shocked to discover cheeseburgers aren’t vegetarian – what a misleading name,” the woman said. “I’d been eating at least 10 a week for the past 20 years, as it was the only vegetarian food I could find that had any flavour, so, when I discovered they are, in fact, made with beef, I had to rethink my diet altogether.”
The woman has celebrated her newfound dietary freedom by sampling some of the delicacies she had carefully avoided as a strict vegetarian, including Christmas mince pies, ants on a log and spotted dick.
A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.
“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.
“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”
A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.
“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”
The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.
The fruit responsible for preventing people from being able to afford waterfront mansions in Sydney is continuing its reign of terror by causing brunch-lovers to slice their own hands open, experts have warned.
“The avocado has a natural booby-trap built in to protect themselves from hipster folk,” a government health spokesperson said. “When a bearded breakfast eater tries to show off by opening an avocado using a fixed-gear knife, they often cut straight through the fruit and stab themselves in the hand. This could be because beards limit peripheral vision, fine motor skills and general intelligence.”
The problem is so widespread that medical professionals have called for warning labels to be placed on avocados.
“People have sustained serious injuries because of this dangerous fruit – and then there’re those who’ve stabbed themselves ironically while eating a banana or apple,” one doctor said. “It’s a real epidemic.”
Instead of turning hipsters off, many view the scar left by an avocado incident as a badge of honour.
“The scar lets people know I’m serious about breakfast,” one Newtown local said.
Many inner-city hospitals have become so overrun with avocado-related injuries they’ve had to hire in-house barbers and baristas for peak periods, such as Sunday brunch.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their fourth day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” shocked mother Rainbow said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.
One Surry Hills local who hasn’t left his home suburb since visiting Bondi to renew his Icebergs membership, is among a growing number of Australians planning to celebrate the American tradition of Thanksgiving this week.
“Everyone in Australia does Christmas – it’s so predictable,” the man said. “I’ve never been to America and I don’t know any Americans in person, but I only drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and I’m thankful for that, so it makes perfect sense I would celebrate this day with a free-range vegan turkey.”
The man’s planned festivities come less than a month after he ironically went trick-or-treating and just a month before Hanukkah, where he plans to “spin the dreidel all night long”.