Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine


It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.


Chinese Tourist Accidentally Wins the Bushman’s Blow Muster


A tourist from China has taken out first place in the 2017 Bushman’s Blow Muster, after impressing judges as he cleared his nasal passages while walking past the competition in Sydney’s Martin Place today.

The annual competition rates contestants on how well they can perform a “Bushies’ Blow”, which involves evacuating your nasal passage by holding one finger over one nostril then expelling the contents of the other nostril at a staggering rate with one mighty blow. The act is a practical way of cleansing your nose in the absence of suitable catching material such as a tissue, magazine or sleeve ­– ideal for when you’re out in the bush or supermarket.

When performed correctly, a Bushman’s Blow can be propelled several metres with no mucus landing on yourself or remaining around the nostril, all of which is taken into account by the judges of the prestigious contest.

“This international competitor took us all by surprise,” a Bushman’s Blow Muster judge said. “We have true-blue Aussies from all backgrounds competing, but this Chinese national cleared at least 27 metres and his nostrils were bone dry with no snot residue… it shows our homegrown bushmen have a lot to learn.”

The new champion said he “didn’t really deserve the prize”, noting that he is not even the best on his tour group, let alone his hometown.

Opinions from the other competitors were mixed, with several contestants dubbing the win “unfair”.

“He wasn’t even in the flamin’ competition, he just happened to clear his shnoz near the event and the judges gave him a wildcard entry,” one contestant said.