95% of People Not Sure if we Lost or Gained Sleep for Daylight Savings

daylight

An overwhelming number of Sydney-siders are completely stumped about whether they lost or gained sleep when daylight savings kicked in this morning, a NASA study has revealed.

One Sydney man said he had used the confusion to his advantage.

“Due to my phone’s clock changing automatically overnight, my body clock was confused, and I had no idea what time it ‘really’ was,” said the man. “I just told myself that 9am today time is probably more like 5pm or so yesterday time, so I took myself to the pub for a few schooners to help adjust.”

Other people were choosing to ignore the issue for now.

“Look, I’m not even going to worry about it today,” one woman said. “I’ll keep it up my sleeve and use daylight savings as an excuse to be four hours late to work on Tuesday.”

Daylight savings has been cited as the number-one reason for people waking up feeling horrible today, despite the fact that many have eaten nothing but pingers since knocking off work for the long weekend on Friday morning.

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Man Prepares Stories for ‘How was your Weekend?’ Questions at Work

weekendstories

A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.

“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”

The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.

“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”

Country Boy Hospitalised After Greeting Every Passerby on Stroll in Sydney CBD

COUNTRY

A man from country NSW is suffering from third-degree vocal cord tears after he personally greeted every single person he walked past during a short stroll in the big smoke today.

To make matters worse, not a single person acknowledged him in return, he told The Sydney Sentinel in an interview conducted via Morse code.

“I started out with the classic combo of a ‘g’day’ and a head nod, which is a big hit back home,” the man said. “After that failed to get a response, I tried alternating between ‘good morning’ and ‘how’s it going’ for a few hours before stripping things right back to ‘hello’. Nothing.”

The man estimates that he greeted approximately 12,345 people during his CBD stroll, which is 12,343 more people than he usually passes on a walk of a similar length back home.

The man’s luck didn’t change on his bus ride to the hospital, where everybody he smiled and nodded at or even just caught the eye of either moved away, got off the bus or asked if he was looking for a fight.

“It was almost like nobody cared about anyone,” he said. “International trends are always a bit slow to come to the country so it’s not my fault this happened but, when I get home, I’ll be sure to tell everyone about the turmeric lattes, strange beards, and rudeness I encountered to ensure no one else suffers these kinds of injuries.”

Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

Sydney Office Introduces “Casual Racism Friday” in Bid to Stamp Out Everyday Racism

casual racism

Inspired by the success of casual Friday office-wear policies, a Sydney business has introduced a designated day for casual racism in an attempt to discourage flagrant racism throughout the rest of the week.

“Just as the real point of casual Friday is to deter people from wearing anything but the most uncomfortable corporate clothing Monday to Thursday, casual racism Friday gives everyone a chance to get it out of their system within a controlled environment,” a company spokesperson said. “Now people can end the week speaking freely while wearing their ironed jeans, best casual button-down shirts and polished loafers.”

Equal opportunity advocates have welcomed the move.

“It’s fantastic to be able to use the N, W, G, C, S, T and FFWCGBTWYCF words whenever they pop in your head,” a spokesperson said. “It’s kind of like a sneeze – trying to hold it in for too long will cause death. So, it’s wonderful to allow people to relieve themselves in a safe, racism-welcome space come Friday.”

Staff at the Sydney office have said that hearing everyone unleash their pent-up casual racism was jarring at first, but that it now feels natural and, most importantly, honest.

“One gentleman called me a poof this morning. I don’t think that’s technically racism, but I accepted it in the spirit of the day and cheerfully called him a b**** c***,” one staff member said.

“I’m colour-blind so it’s extra tricky for me,” another staff member said. “I keep mixing up my terrorists with my rednecks. But no one seems to mind, so long as I’m having a go.”

Sydney Man Wows Country Chinese Restaurant by Requesting Chopsticks

chopsticks

A Sydney man last night left the staff at a country Chinese restaurant gobsmacked when he pushed aside the default knife and fork and called for the chopsticks.

The owner of the Chinese restaurant said this was the first time the chopsticks have made an appearance in the restaurant and it took them a good 30 minutes to find the ancient tools of the Orient.

“We thought he was having a laugh at first,” the restaurant owner said. “But the way he used them to devour a mixed entrée bordered on sorcery.”

People lucky enough to dine in the presence of the man said they were in awe.

“We weren’t expecting dinner and show,” one diner said. “But watching him perform made me feel like it was variety night at the RSL. My wife wanted to go home with the gentleman.”

The restaurant was also caught off guard when the man didn’t order the staple of spring rolls, honey chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried rice, forcing the chef to study old Women’s Weekly Chinese cookbooks before frying up the strange order.

NSW Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

DOOR OPEN

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”