Light Rail workers depressed about going back to work as project wraps up

Depression has kicked in for Sydney Light Rail workers as the multi-billion dollar project comes to an end after 22 years.

“I can’t even remember what my job was,” one tradie said. “But luckily I haven’t forgotten how to build a solid compo claim.”

Another worker slammed his peers for being so lazy.

“These men and women who sat around doing nothing the whole time only have themselves to blame,” the man said. “I put in the hard work and studied medicine on the job, so I’m looking forward to my future as an orthopaedic surgeon.”

A government spokesperson called for cooler heads, saying they have plenty more projects to keep workers busy doing nothing to help build projects vital to please their mates who own construction companies.

Sydney Sentinel’s Guide to Enjoying the Rest of Your Holidays

There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:

1. Drink alcohol at home.

2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.

3. Drink alcohol at the pub.

4. $10 hits on Big Red.

5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.

6. Have an affair.

7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.

8. Worry about going back to work.

9. Drink methylated spirits.

10. Depression.

Now get out there and enjoy!

Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

SantaList

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.

Winfield Launches Optimum Ice Crush cigarettes

MethBlast

Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.

The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.

A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.

“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.

Smokers praised the decision.

“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.

Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.

Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Proud

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

PoorKids

Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.

This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.

“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”

Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.