Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

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Sydney Office Introduces “Casual Racism Friday” in Bid to Stamp Out Everyday Racism

casual racism

Inspired by the success of casual Friday office-wear policies, a Sydney business has introduced a designated day for casual racism in an attempt to discourage flagrant racism throughout the rest of the week.

“Just as the real point of casual Friday is to deter people from wearing anything but the most uncomfortable corporate clothing Monday to Thursday, casual racism Friday gives everyone a chance to get it out of their system within a controlled environment,” a company spokesperson said. “Now people can end the week speaking freely while wearing their ironed jeans, best casual button-down shirts and polished loafers.”

Equal opportunity advocates have welcomed the move.

“It’s fantastic to be able to use the N, W, G, C, S, T and FFWCGBTWYCF words whenever they pop in your head,” a spokesperson said. “It’s kind of like a sneeze – trying to hold it in for too long will cause death. So, it’s wonderful to allow people to relieve themselves in a safe, racism-welcome space come Friday.”

Staff at the Sydney office have said that hearing everyone unleash their pent-up casual racism was jarring at first, but that it now feels natural and, most importantly, honest.

“One gentleman called me a poof this morning. I don’t think that’s technically racism, but I accepted it in the spirit of the day and cheerfully called him a b**** c***,” one staff member said.

“I’m colour-blind so it’s extra tricky for me,” another staff member said. “I keep mixing up my terrorists with my rednecks. But no one seems to mind, so long as I’m having a go.”

Sydney Man Wows Country Chinese Restaurant by Requesting Chopsticks

chopsticks

A Sydney man last night left the staff at a country Chinese restaurant gobsmacked when he pushed aside the default knife and fork and called for the chopsticks.

The owner of the Chinese restaurant said this was the first time the chopsticks have made an appearance in the restaurant and it took them a good 30 minutes to find the ancient tools of the Orient.

“We thought he was having a laugh at first,” the restaurant owner said. “But the way he used them to devour a mixed entrée bordered on sorcery.”

People lucky enough to dine in the presence of the man said they were in awe.

“We weren’t expecting dinner and show,” one diner said. “But watching him perform made me feel like it was variety night at the RSL. My wife wanted to go home with the gentleman.”

The restaurant was also caught off guard when the man didn’t order the staple of spring rolls, honey chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried rice, forcing the chef to study old Women’s Weekly Chinese cookbooks before frying up the strange order.

NSW Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

DOOR OPEN

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

“Doing Lines” Means Different Things at Public and Private Schools, Study Finds

LINES BLACKBOARD

Government funding for private schools is being reassessed this week after a new study revealed teachers have been giving students lines of coke rather than asking them to write out lines in books, a classic punishment used in public schools.

Private school teachers have defended their actions, saying that it was an “easy mistake to make”, especially after a few shots of gin at little lunch.

“When the principal told me to give out lines to students who misbehave, I never dreamed she meant asking them to write things repeatedly – that would’ve just required students to copy and paste a sentence on their new MacBook Pros, and I can’t see the point of that,” one teacher said.

“Doing lines of coke, on the other hand, really helps some students to sharpen their focus and prepares them for the real world, where they’ll need to be able to network with other private school graduates at exclusive clubs and parties.”

Public schools have expressed some sympathy for the misunderstanding, with gym teachers noting they faced similar criticisms after giving ice to students with sprains.

Man knocks off work early to celebrate avoiding doing any work at work all week

LAZY WORK

A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.

The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.

“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”

The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.

“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”

The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.

Call of Duty Video Game Franchise Accused of Trying to Start WW3

Call of Duty

The popular wartime-based video-game series, Call of Duty, has been accused of attempting to start World War 3 in order to keep its current business model alive.

Call of Duty operatives have been sending nasty letters between American and North Korea, according to leaked documents. Job listings from the game developer looking for Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump meme experts have also been uncovered.

Far from denying the accusations, the game developer has championed the idea, saying that if they were trying to start World War 3, it would be for the good of all video-game fans who are crying out for a fun new setting to kill each other in.

“World War 1 and 2 have been very good to both us and gamers,” a Call of Duty spokesperson said. “But after 406 Call of Duty games this year alone based on yesterday’s World Wars, they’re starting to lose the charm they were once famous for. It’s time to reboot the franchise with a sequel.”

Gamers have been excited about the accusation.

“As a gamer, there’s no way I’d actually have to go to war,” gamer FlangeMan69 said. “I can’t wait to get the opportunity to stay at home and do my country proud virtually – and let other players know I’ve slept with their mum!”