Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Proud

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

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Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

PoorKids

Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.

This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.

“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”

Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.

VIP Lounges Ban Hitting Spin with Schooner Glass and Other Cheats

PokieHack

The NSW Pokies Federation has introduced new laws banning several illegal moves that they say dramatically minimise the need for skill and create an unfair playing lounge.

Moves that will be outlawed from today include hitting the spin button with the edge of your schooner glass, switching bet amounts to reset the odds, and tapping the screen three times with your finger before choosing a suit on a gamble.

“Most players do the right thing when competing, but there’re going to be cheats in every sport,” the chairman for the NSW Pokies Federation said. “Most people don’t know it, but we already have cameras inside pokies to track facial expressions that reveal emotions, so we’ll simply use the cameras to also catch people using performance enhancers like lighting a smoke before initiating a feature.”

Respectable pokie players are shocked and embarrassed that some players have brought shame and controversy to “the nation’s game”.

“I’ve always been proud to tell everyone how much I earned on the pokies, in fact, that’s sometimes all I talk about,” one player said. “But now I’m worried people will think I didn’t put the work in and just cheated.”

Those caught cheating will receive a harsh 15-minute exile in the main bar, with no access to the complimentary mini spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce.

Man in Hospital After Early Uber Arrival Forces Him to Skol 400 Beers

UberDrunk

A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.

A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.

“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”

The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.

“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”

A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.

“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.

95% of People Not Sure if we Lost or Gained Sleep for Daylight Savings

daylight

An overwhelming number of Sydney-siders are completely stumped about whether they lost or gained sleep when daylight savings kicked in this morning, a NASA study has revealed.

One Sydney man said he had used the confusion to his advantage.

“Due to my phone’s clock changing automatically overnight, my body clock was confused, and I had no idea what time it ‘really’ was,” said the man. “I just told myself that 9am today time is probably more like 5pm or so yesterday time, so I took myself to the pub for a few schooners to help adjust.”

Other people were choosing to ignore the issue for now.

“Look, I’m not even going to worry about it today,” one woman said. “I’ll keep it up my sleeve and use daylight savings as an excuse to be four hours late to work on Tuesday.”

Daylight savings has been cited as the number-one reason for people waking up feeling horrible today, despite the fact that many have eaten nothing but pingers since knocking off work for the long weekend on Friday morning.

Man Prepares Stories for ‘How was your Weekend?’ Questions at Work

weekendstories

A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.

“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”

The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.

“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”

Country Boy Hospitalised After Greeting Every Passerby on Stroll in Sydney CBD

COUNTRY

A man from country NSW is suffering from third-degree vocal cord tears after he personally greeted every single person he walked past during a short stroll in the big smoke today.

To make matters worse, not a single person acknowledged him in return, he told The Sydney Sentinel in an interview conducted via Morse code.

“I started out with the classic combo of a ‘g’day’ and a head nod, which is a big hit back home,” the man said. “After that failed to get a response, I tried alternating between ‘good morning’ and ‘how’s it going’ for a few hours before stripping things right back to ‘hello’. Nothing.”

The man estimates that he greeted approximately 12,345 people during his CBD stroll, which is 12,343 more people than he usually passes on a walk of a similar length back home.

The man’s luck didn’t change on his bus ride to the hospital, where everybody he smiled and nodded at or even just caught the eye of either moved away, got off the bus or asked if he was looking for a fight.

“It was almost like nobody cared about anyone,” he said. “International trends are always a bit slow to come to the country so it’s not my fault this happened but, when I get home, I’ll be sure to tell everyone about the turmeric lattes, strange beards, and rudeness I encountered to ensure no one else suffers these kinds of injuries.”