There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.
“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”
One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.
“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”
Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.
Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.
The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.
A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.
“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.
Smokers praised the decision.
“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.
Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.
The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.
Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.
This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.
“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”
Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.
The NSW Pokies Federation has introduced new laws banning several illegal moves that they say dramatically minimise the need for skill and create an unfair playing lounge.
Moves that will be outlawed from today include hitting the spin button with the edge of your schooner glass, switching bet amounts to reset the odds, and tapping the screen three times with your finger before choosing a suit on a gamble.
“Most players do the right thing when competing, but there’re going to be cheats in every sport,” the chairman for the NSW Pokies Federation said. “Most people don’t know it, but we already have cameras inside pokies to track facial expressions that reveal emotions, so we’ll simply use the cameras to also catch people using performance enhancers like lighting a smoke before initiating a feature.”
Respectable pokie players are shocked and embarrassed that some players have brought shame and controversy to “the nation’s game”.
“I’ve always been proud to tell everyone how much I earned on the pokies, in fact, that’s sometimes all I talk about,” one player said. “But now I’m worried people will think I didn’t put the work in and just cheated.”
Those caught cheating will receive a harsh 15-minute exile in the main bar, with no access to the complimentary mini spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce.