A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,017th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.
Capping off a horror year that has seen a string of high-profile celebrity deaths, Adolf Hitler has risen from his grave just in time for New Year’s Eve.
Hitler, who was Führer of Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945, was found enjoying a currywurst at a market in Berlin this morning, where he told shocked onlookers he was looking forward to a better view of the fireworks this year. He also said he had learned a lot since killing himself by gunshot.
“During my death, I finally watched Seinfeld,” said Hitler. “This documentary gave me a more positive outlook on certain groups of people, and I hope to make amends by opening several comedy camps across Germany so they can concentrate purely on humour.”
Not everyone’s convinced, with many saying Hitler’s resurrection is 2016’s way of giving everyone the finger on its way out.
Hollywood has taken the news seriously, with “at least 80 holocaust movies planned for January”.
A Sydney man is set to once again achieve none of his well-thought-out plans over the Christmas holidays, including reading a book, returning from a 14-year exercise break and being a good dad.
“I always plan to get so much done,” the man said. “But by the time the holidays are almost over, I’ve wasted the whole thing looking at my phone in bed, on the couch, or while driving the car.”
“To make matters worse, I then waste the remainder of the holidays feeling anxious about not doing anything with my holidays, so I return to work with mild brain damage.”
He is not alone, with scientists from the CSIRO discovering more than 93 per cent of Sydney-siders waste their holidays doing exactly what they usually do at work, only in underwear.
In a bid to avoid people being too tired on January 1, the NSW government has officially adjusted time and calendars so that Sydney can celebrate New Year’s Eve in a more “sensible” fashion, with the city’s famous fireworks displays being moved to 6pm for children and 9pm for grown-ups.
“12am is a ridiculous time to still be up,” a NSW government spokesperson said. “This way, people can celebrate in an orderly and controlled manner, then be home in bed by the Surgeon General’s recommended time of 10:30pm.”
The move tests the waters for strict new bedtime laws to be introduced in NSW from March 2017, amid growing concerns about people abusing their free time to stay up late watching Netflix or gaming, causing chronic weariness the next day.
Also under review is Sydney’s Vivid light festival, which is under pressure from the government to be moved to the daytime.