There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
A local dad has given up pretending he will take the Christmas tree down, finally admitting to his family that it’s staying up ‘till next December, even if it smells like rotting anus.
After originally telling his wife he’d take the tree down on Boxing Day, then New Year’s Day, Australia Day and then Valentine’s Day, he broke down, admitting it was never going to happen and the family was just going to have to live with it.
“You’d think they be happy,” the man said. “We now have a designated place to have family arguments all year round, rather just on Christmas Day.”
He admitted he likely should have gone a fake tree, noting that he could skewer a full-sized doner kebab on one of the tree’s dried-up pine needles.
“In fact, I might do that, get back in the good books with the family,” he said.
A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.
Capping off a horror year that has seen a string of high-profile celebrity deaths, Adolf Hitler has risen from his grave just in time for New Year’s Eve.
Hitler, who was Führer of Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945, was found enjoying a currywurst at a market in Berlin this morning, where he told shocked onlookers he was looking forward to a better view of the fireworks this year. He also said he had learned a lot since killing himself by gunshot.
“During my death, I finally watched Seinfeld,” said Hitler. “This documentary gave me a more positive outlook on certain groups of people, and I hope to make amends by opening several comedy camps across Germany so they can concentrate purely on humour.”
Not everyone’s convinced, with many saying Hitler’s resurrection is 2016’s way of giving everyone the finger on its way out.
Hollywood has taken the news seriously, with “at least 80 holocaust movies planned for January”.
A Sydney man is set to once again achieve none of his well-thought-out plans over the Christmas holidays, including reading a book, returning from a 14-year exercise break and being a good dad.
“I always plan to get so much done,” the man said. “But by the time the holidays are almost over, I’ve wasted the whole thing looking at my phone in bed, on the couch, or while driving the car.”
“To make matters worse, I then waste the remainder of the holidays feeling anxious about not doing anything with my holidays, so I return to work with mild brain damage.”
He is not alone, with scientists from the CSIRO discovering more than 93 per cent of Sydney-siders waste their holidays doing exactly what they usually do at work, only in underwear.