White Activists Claim Black Friday is Racist

BLACK FRIDAY

Sydney-based activist group White Activists for People of Colour has described the annual Black Friday shopping event as “racist”, claiming that it implies black people can only afford to buy goods when they’re on sale.

“We were so excited to find something new to be offended by on other people’s behalf,” one activist said. “We’ve planned a peaceful riot this afternoon and promise no flag will be left unburned until everyone thinks the way we do.”

Another group member also claimed the event should not have assumed the day’s unit of time as Friday.

“How can we know for sure that this particular moment of the rotation of the earth’s axis wants to identify itself as ‘Friday’?” the spokesperson said.

The whole event has been claimed as one of the greatest discoveries of offensiveness this decade.

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Woman Wearing “Love is Love” Badge Hates Everyone

PestPerson

An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.

One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.

“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”

An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.

“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”

The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.

Calls to Ban Santa for Choosing to be a White Heterosexual Male

Santa

Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.

“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”

Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.

“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”

One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.

Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

LEFTY ROOM
The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace.

“The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show up, which often causes massacres,” a government spokesperson said. “This way they can preach that their opinion is correct without having any other opinions getting in the way.”

The vegan-friendly rooms will be fitted with dummies for the left to yell insults at and contain materials for creating angry signs.

The left has said the rooms are a lifesaver in a world where nearly every subject, idea and thing can cause offence.

If the lefty rooms are successful, the government said it plans to also to roll out extreme righty rooms where people with conservative opinions can conduct virtual-reality hate crimes.