A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.
“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”
A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”
The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.
“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”
Beyond Blue has made a public appeal for people returning to work after the holidays to stop calling its hotline, saying the glut of depressed returnees has resulted in wait times of up to nine hours.
“It’s totally normal to feel borderline suicidal when returning to work,” a Beyond Blue spokesperson said. “It’s actually a sign of good mental health. In fact, we encourage anyone who isn’t feeling that way to call us or 000 immediately.”
To help stem the flood of calls, the organisation has released a survival guide listing the amount of drugs and alcohol recommended for each profession.
The guidelines suggest office workers start work days with 10 Valium tablets and a Queensland coffee (see recipe below), while tradies are advised to simply avoid tapering off any drugs and alcohol after New Year’s Eve.
The full guide will be available at all good pubs, bottle shops and drug dealers.
Schooner of Bundaberg Rum
Thousands of Sydney office workers have opted to skip the standing-desk craze and go straight for a lying-down desk in 2017, citing numerous physical and mental health benefits.
“I get chronic boredom pains at work,” Sydney office worker Randy Smith said. “This way I can tackle the problem by simply going to sleep between 9am and 5pm.”
Orthopaedic experts have welcomed the move, describing the comfortable new working solution as a “game changer”.
“Sitting is the new smoking,” one expert said. “Sitting down at work keeps the body and mind awake, which leads to stress, anxiety and depression. The biggest killer at work is being conscious, and a lying-down desk solves this problem completely.”
Positive results have emerged from trials of the lying-down desk within top NSW government positions over the past 10 years.
A prestigious Sydney marketing firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.
“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”
Another former employee said he was axed in a second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”
Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.
A 34-year-old man who works in Sydney’s CBD has been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize after fellow pedestrians saw him consistently moving aside to allow oncoming pedestrians to pass without bumping into them.
“It was incredible – I’ve never seen anything like it, especially from someone wearing a suit,” one witness said of the man, who was spotted on George Street during rush hour. “He was noticing the people around him on the footpath and simply stepping to one side or tucking a shoulder in to avoid any collisions.”
Another onlooker described the man as “a true revolutionary and free-thinker”.
Other finalists included a woman who allowed a driver to change lanes even though it meant slowing down slightly to let him in and a cyclist who stopped at a pedestrian crossing.
A Sydney office worker has died after being attacked by a colleague committed to continuing the tradition of giving people a pinch and a punch on the first day of every month.
The victim, an 83-year-old Coogee resident, was rushed to Bondi Hospital early this morning after receiving the deadly pinch-punch combo as he arrived at work.
“It’s a tragedy, but I can’t see how it could’ve been avoided,” a police spokesperson said. “Unfortunately for the victim, it’s the first day of the month, which makes this sort of attack not only legal, but expected.”
The attacker, a 23-year-old mixed martial artist from Bankstown said he “felt sorry” for the victim, but also noted that “he should have stayed away from the office until after lunch and maybe built up his strength with an extra crumpet or something”.
One witness described it as “one of the best pinches [he’d] ever seen”.
“He must have hit a pressure point as the old guy froze and couldn’t get his hands up in time to block the swift right hander that followed. It was kinda beautiful, really,” he said.
The victim was due to retire at the end of the week.