A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.
“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”
The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.
“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”
A Sydney man today has been forced to wash his soiled hands with soap and water after a colleague walked into the bathroom just as he exited his well-used cubical.
“Talk about bad timing,” the man said. “Now my hands smell like I’m some sort of fruit who wears fancy perfumes. It’s disgusting.”
A human-resources representative sympathised with the man but noted that there was no way of avoiding the “unfortunate incident”.
“We understand that the victim did the right thing and waited until all toilet patrons had left the bathroom before exiting the stall, but then this other bloke burst in out of nowhere and made eye contact with the man, forcing him to make a show of washing his hands,” the HR spokesperson said.
Staff were horrified when notified of the shocking incident.
“Christ,” said one man. “I’ve heard those taps have enough germs on them to take your hand off. It would’ve been better to wash his hands in the urinal with a trough lolly.”
A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.
“I was on autopilot – or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”
The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.
“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”
The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.
Inspired by the success of casual Friday office-wear policies, a Sydney business has introduced a designated day for casual racism in an attempt to discourage flagrant racism throughout the rest of the week.
“Just as the real point of casual Friday is to deter people from wearing anything but the most uncomfortable corporate clothing Monday to Thursday, casual racism Friday gives everyone a chance to get it out of their system within a controlled environment,” a company spokesperson said. “Now people can end the week speaking freely while wearing their ironed jeans, best casual button-down shirts and polished loafers.”
Equal opportunity advocates have welcomed the move.
“It’s fantastic to be able to use the N, W, G, C, S, T and FFWCGBTWYCF words whenever they pop in your head,” a spokesperson said. “It’s kind of like a sneeze – trying to hold it in for too long will cause death. So, it’s wonderful to allow people to relieve themselves in a safe, racism-welcome space come Friday.”
Staff at the Sydney office have said that hearing everyone unleash their pent-up casual racism was jarring at first, but that it now feels natural and, most importantly, honest.
“One gentleman called me a poof this morning. I don’t think that’s technically racism, but I accepted it in the spirit of the day and cheerfully called him a b**** c***,” one staff member said.
“I’m colour-blind so it’s extra tricky for me,” another staff member said. “I keep mixing up my terrorists with my rednecks. But no one seems to mind, so long as I’m having a go.”
A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.
The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.
“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”
The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.
“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”
The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.
Workplaces across Sydney are set to help struggling graduates get a job by hiring them as lifelong volunteers after seeing the success other businesses like major sporting events or comic cons have had with unpaid staff.
A spokesperson for the Fair Work Commission has branded the idea a no-brainer.
“You’re meant to enjoy work,” the spokesman said. “So why would you be expected to be paid for something that you enjoy? Working for free ensures staff want to be there unlike greedy paid staff who are only in it for the money. Plus, with no overheads, companies will be able to relieve taxpayers from the burden of government handouts by hiring thousands of people to do their bidding.”
Many graduates who have managed to score a job through traditional means like family contacts or sexual favours have said their small salary feels like they are volunteers anyway, so they would be happy to make it official.
“I graduated from medicine and now make coffees and hotdogs for the doctors at my local medical clinic 700 kilometres from my parents’ home,” a recent graduate said. “I feel if they didn’t have to bother with paying me, I might get a shot at actually treating a patient. Or at least feeding the fish in reception.”
“Things are competitive in the wild, and many employers are only looking for one candidate,” another unemployed 2009 engineer graduate said. “If they didn’t have to pay us they could hire hundreds of people to mop the floors or pick up rubbish about the place. We’d be guaranteed a job.”
Those calling the new initiative slave labour have been jailed for treason.