Pest Can’t Stop Telling Everyone he’s only Betting $2

SmugPest

Trying to prove himself smarter than everyone else, a local Sydney man can’t stop telling everyone he has only bet $2 on the Melbourne Cup this year “for a bit a harmless fun”.

No one is quite sure why the man is so proud of placing the kind of bet your nana used to put on for you when you were at school.

“This reverse humble brag technique he’s going for makes him simply unrelatable,” one man said. “Most Australians have taken out Nimble loans for this special day that are so substantial we’ll have to hit the road and live in Asia for a few years if we don’t win.”

People who have had to endure previous Melbourne Cup events with the man said he still gets very stressed out during the race.

“He’s sweats bullets during the race,” one man said. “But unlike the rest of us, he’s praying his horse doesn’t win, so he doesn’t feel like an idiot for only punting $2. It’s no way to live.”

The man is also telling everyone that he will only be drinking sparkling water to celebrate the day’s festivities and won’t have a party pie as he brought a salad in from home.

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SCAM WARNING: Ignore Boss Who Says Not to Worry About Work This Afternoon

BossBeer

The CSIRO has issued a scam warning today cautioning workers across Australia to ignore bosses who tell them to enjoy the Melbourne Cup and not worry about doing any work this afternoon.

Unfortunately, it has been confirmed that this is a known scam and your boss will still demand the work first thing tomorrow morning in a hangover-induced rage, between shouting contradictory catchphrases like “work doesn’t stop for the Melbourne Cup, pal”.

A Sydney advertising creative said she fell for this scam last year.

“Account services gave me 20 or so urgent briefs due the next morning before they clocked off for a boozy Cup lunch,” the woman said. “So, I was going to spend the afternoon in the office with the rest of the creative team, but then my creative director strolled in after a few schoonerccinos calling me un-Australian and telling me to come and get loose at the pub. H­e even informed me that he’d already put $350 on his own nose.”

“But first thing the next morning he demanded the work, even though he knew I was hanging with him in the bathroom and sometimes the pub for the whole afternoon. I probably would’ve been fired if the entire account service team hadn’t had a sick day and pushed back all the deadlines.”

Man Prepares Stories for ‘How was your Weekend?’ Questions at Work

weekendstories

A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.

“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”

The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.

“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”

Man Forced to Wash Hands as Colleague Enters Work Bathroom

wash hands

A Sydney man today has been forced to wash his soiled hands with soap and water after a colleague walked into the bathroom just as he exited his well-used cubical.

“Talk about bad timing,” the man said. “Now my hands smell like I’m some sort of fruit who wears fancy perfumes. It’s disgusting.”

A human-resources representative sympathised with the man but noted that there was no way of avoiding the “unfortunate incident”.

“We understand that the victim did the right thing and waited until all toilet patrons had left the bathroom before exiting the stall, but then this other bloke burst in out of nowhere and made eye contact with the man, forcing him to make a show of washing his hands,” the HR spokesperson said.

Staff were horrified when notified of the shocking incident.

“Christ,” said one man. “I’ve heard those taps have enough germs on them to take your hand off. It would’ve been better to wash his hands in the urinal with a trough lolly.”

Man Forgets He’s not at Work and Pisses All Over Home Toilet

piss

A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.

“I was on autopilot ­– or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”

The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.

“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”

The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.

Sydney Office Introduces “Casual Racism Friday” in Bid to Stamp Out Everyday Racism

casual racism

Inspired by the success of casual Friday office-wear policies, a Sydney business has introduced a designated day for casual racism in an attempt to discourage flagrant racism throughout the rest of the week.

“Just as the real point of casual Friday is to deter people from wearing anything but the most uncomfortable corporate clothing Monday to Thursday, casual racism Friday gives everyone a chance to get it out of their system within a controlled environment,” a company spokesperson said. “Now people can end the week speaking freely while wearing their ironed jeans, best casual button-down shirts and polished loafers.”

Equal opportunity advocates have welcomed the move.

“It’s fantastic to be able to use the N, W, G, C, S, T and FFWCGBTWYCF words whenever they pop in your head,” a spokesperson said. “It’s kind of like a sneeze – trying to hold it in for too long will cause death. So, it’s wonderful to allow people to relieve themselves in a safe, racism-welcome space come Friday.”

Staff at the Sydney office have said that hearing everyone unleash their pent-up casual racism was jarring at first, but that it now feels natural and, most importantly, honest.

“One gentleman called me a poof this morning. I don’t think that’s technically racism, but I accepted it in the spirit of the day and cheerfully called him a b**** c***,” one staff member said.

“I’m colour-blind so it’s extra tricky for me,” another staff member said. “I keep mixing up my terrorists with my rednecks. But no one seems to mind, so long as I’m having a go.”

Man knocks off work early to celebrate avoiding doing any work at work all week

LAZY WORK

A Sydney man has decided to call stumps on the working week early today to pat himself on the back for managing to go a whole week at work without doing any work.

The man said that he’s physically and mentally exhausted from doing such a good job of doing nothing, that he’ll need to consume the entire national recommendation of 400 standard drinks or so this afternoon to take the edge off.

“Sometimes it feels like it would have been easier to do the work I was meant to do,” the man told The Sydney Sentinel. “But achieving nothing is much more rewarding.”

The man said he has to carefully plan out his days early lining up comedy podcasts, scheduling long toilet breaks in advance and even taking up smoking to fill the time.

“Everybody knows that the weekend voids all work that was meant to be done the week before,” the man said. “If you can make it to Friday you’re golden. As then you can delay stuff to Monday – where technically the work week resets – so the work you were meant to do expires.”

The man added that he might even need to take an allocated sick day on Monday to recover fully.