Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.
A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.
“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”
Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.
A 12-year-old gamer from Sydney has slept with the mum of every other gamer he has faced in the online shooter, Call of Duty.
It’s reported that the player, FlangeMan69, has racked up more than 15,000 kills, 900 captures of an enemy flag and more than 700,000 victories with gamers’ mums from around the world.
“It was emotionally disturbing to discover this sort of thing when trying to relax with a video game after a hard day of unemployment,” one Chatswood gamer said. “I didn’t believe him at first, but my worst fears were confirmed when my mum admitted over a Sunday Beef Wellington that FlangeMan69’s boasts were indeed real. Even the acts that didn’t seem possible for the human body.”
FlangeMan69’s skills also extend to identifying a player’s sexual orientation.
“I was trying to show my dad how to play Call of Duty, then FlangeMan69 flat out told everyone I was gay,” the exposed man said. “Luckily, the moment wasn’t awkward for long, as FlangeMan69 soon called out my dad too, so we had something in common for the first time in years. We actually put down the game and hit a sauna.”
Mums across Sydney have been urged by the game’s developer to have a frank conversation with their children before they get a chance to play FlangeMan69 online.