Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

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It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.

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WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

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The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.

Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.

“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.

“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”

Birthday Boy Gives Guests Biggest Gift by Cancelling Party at Last Minute

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The guests of a man who was set to celebrate his birthday tonight are quietly rejoicing after he sent out a group Facebook message announcing he’d cancelled the party.

“A party always sounds like a great idea when it’s a few weeks away but, inevitably, on the day it finally rolls around, I never feel like going,” one would-be guest admitted. “I’m looking forward to heading straight home after work for a quiet night on the couch with a case or two.”

Another guest described the birthday boy cancelling as “the best-case scenario for everyone involved”.

“It’s a universally acknowledged law that it’s a dick move to cancel on someone else’s birthday but this is a game-changer,” he said. “This legend has not only been thoughtful enough to invite us all to his party so we could impress people with talk of our cool Friday-night plans, but then to take the extra step of cancelling at the last minute so we don’t actually have to follow through – it’s just next level,” he said.

In his message cancelling the event, the birthday boy explained that he’d only organised the party in the first place because he felt obliged and he’d decided to call it off after realising he was “getting too old for this shit”.

Sydney’s Lockout Laws Create the Three o’ Clock Swill

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Sydney’s lockout laws have fuelled nightly hours-long speed-drinking sessions as people race to get as drunk as possible before bars and clubs close at 3am.

Historians have dubbed it “a marathon version” of the six o’ clock swill that existed from 1916 to 1955, when Sydney-siders pickled themselves into oblivion in the hour between finishing work at 5pm and the pub closing at 6pm.

Medics are calling for the lockout laws to be reviewed, noting that stampedes during last drinks in Sydney bars are “far more deadly” than coward punches.

“It’s a joke,” said one keen moderate drinker. “After having a few at home when I wake up in the arvo, hitting the pre-drinks at Dave’s, taking a longneck traveller to the pub, doing a few rounds with the boys, then doing shots at a nightclub, there’s barely time to even get a buzz before the 3am close – let alone smash $500 through Big Red or get a lappie.”

Pubs and clubs are taking the issue seriously, installing urinals and commode stools at the bar and intravenous beer taps in VIP rooms.

Politicians have promised to review the lockout laws as soon as the pubs and clubs near their recently purchased Kings Cross apartments close down.

Snortable Paracetamol Launched in Bid to Target Millennials

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A snortable version of paracetamol designed to appeal to the headache-prone millennial market is set to launch in chemists nationally next month, big pharma has announced.

The move has been met with mild enthusiasm from the youth market, which experts say indicates that they are wildly excited about the idea.

“I get a steaming hangover nearly every morning, but instead of old-fashioned stuff like paracetamol, I usually go straight for the Xanax or oxycodone,” mumbled one Sydney youngster enjoying life to the fullest. “But I’d deffo do a few lines of paracetamol if I could get a snortable version.”

If sales take off, injectable and smokable versions of paracetamol will be added to the youth-branded range of over-the-counter pain relief later this year.

NYE Disappoints for the 2,016th Year in a Row

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New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,016th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.

One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.

“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”

Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.

“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”

Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.

Entire Office Fired After Horror Christmas Party

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A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.

“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”

Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”

Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.