Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
Male housemates in a share house in Sydney have been urged to aim for the poo stains built up inside their toilet, in an effort to make the dunny look respectable before guests arrive for Christmas catch-ups.
The man who came up with the idea said the toilet currently looked like they borrowed it from a three-day musical festival.
“I started to use the servo’s shitter across the road as even it was cleaner,” he said. “It was time to take action, and if we all do our part and focus our streams towards the offending chunks, we’ll soon have a Facebook chair sparkling like the eye of a pensioner hitting a 60-cent feature.”
Other housemates weren’t as optimistic about the plan.
“Look, it’s hard enough aiming inside the toilet let alone aiming for strategic targets within it,” one man said. “I think we’d be better to just chuck the whole thing out and buy a new one. It even smells dead.”
Another housemate said it would be better just to board up the bathroom door and make guests feel at home by inviting them to piss in the sink.
It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.
One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.
“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”
Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.
“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”
Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.
The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.
The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.
Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.
“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.
“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”
Sydney’s lockout laws have fuelled nightly hours-long speed-drinking sessions as people race to get as drunk as possible before bars and clubs close at 3am.
Historians have dubbed it “a marathon version” of the six o’ clock swill that existed from 1916 to 1955, when Sydney-siders pickled themselves into oblivion in the hour between finishing work at 5pm and the pub closing at 6pm.
Medics are calling for the lockout laws to be reviewed, noting that stampedes during last drinks in Sydney bars are “far more deadly” than coward punches.
“It’s a joke,” said one keen moderate drinker. “After having a few at home when I wake up in the arvo, hitting the pre-drinks at Dave’s, taking a longneck traveller to the pub, doing a few rounds with the boys, then doing shots at a nightclub, there’s barely time to even get a buzz before the 3am close – let alone smash $500 through Big Red or get a lappie.”
Pubs and clubs are taking the issue seriously, installing urinals and commode stools at the bar and intravenous beer taps in VIP rooms.
Politicians have promised to review the lockout laws as soon as the pubs and clubs near their recently purchased Kings Cross apartments close down.
A snortable version of paracetamol designed to appeal to the headache-prone millennial market is set to launch in chemists nationally next month, big pharma has announced.
The move has been met with mild enthusiasm from the youth market, which experts say indicates that they are wildly excited about the idea.
“I get a steaming hangover nearly every morning, but instead of old-fashioned stuff like paracetamol, I usually go straight for the Xanax or oxycodone,” mumbled one Sydney youngster enjoying life to the fullest. “But I’d deffo do a few lines of paracetamol if I could get a snortable version.”
If sales take off, injectable and smokable versions of paracetamol will be added to the youth-branded range of over-the-counter pain relief later this year.