Banker Laughed out of Ryan’s Bar for Placing Outdated iPhone 8 on Table

Phone Table

A Sydney banker has been violently laughed out of the courtyard at Ryan’s Bar in Martin Place this afternoon when he placed his almost month-old iPhone 8 on the table he was sharing with associates.

Those who witnessed the event said it proved the man had no hustle.

“If you can’t arrange for your assistant to camp out and get you the latest iPhone X on release it shows you have no drive or self-respect,” a witness said. “Ryan’s Bar is a sacred networking site for alphas, and it demands a certain level of decorum. Imagine the public spotted one of us with an old phone like that? They’d almost think we weren’t better than them.”

One banker felt sorry for the man.

“Listen, we all make mistakes – like that time I got caught with other people’s money resting in my account for a few years,” he said. “I say we let him get help, then welcome him back when he’s ready.”

A spokesperson for Ryan’s Bar said it would be increasing security to prevent embarrassing incidents like this from happening again.


New App Helps Passengers Decipher Taxi Driver Phone Mumble


A leading NSW taxi company has launched a new app designed to translate the indecipherable mumbles of drivers who are too busy talking on the phone and yelling at other cars to be able to communicate clearly with passengers.

A spokesperson, who dubbed the app “Uber slayer”, said it was a move that would benefit both drivers and passengers.

“Being a taxi driver is boring, so they need to be on the phone to friends or adult hotlines at all times just to stay sane – but it’s also essential that drivers are able to ask passengers for directions, or no one will ever get where they need to go,” he said. “With this app, drivers can do both.”

The new app is the second innovation the taxi company has rolled out this month, coming just weeks after the announcement of the new card skimming insurance fee.

iPhones Flat Out Lying About Having 30% Battery Left


iPhones everywhere have been caught lying to their owners about how much battery charge they have, with many users being left with a dead smartphone within minutes of the battery measurement appearing as 30%, which has led to several people being hospitalised with social media withdrawal.

An Apple spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that Siri is to blame, and that the artificial intelligence finds it funny to leave users stuck without a phone on a night out, when trying to form an opinion, or when cheating in pub trivia.

“I had to put off going to the toilet for six hours as my iPhone died mid-afternoon,” one victim said. “There was no way I was going into the stall without reading material, so I had to attempt to hold it in until I got home from work. I ended up making an executive decision to simply relieve myself at my cubical to be safe.”

Siri has already been under investigation since an incident last year that saw many government officials left stranded in the Canberra suburb of Fishwick for days on end without being able to contact their wives, with some opting to wait out the situation in a Thai Massage Parlour until they were rescued or their tax-payer-funded credit card ran dry.

“After watching the documentary The Terminator, we’re not mucking about with this sort of thing,” a government spokesperson said. “When artificial intelligence lies more than we do in Canberra, you know we have a very serious problem.”