There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.
The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.
“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”
The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.
The NSW Pokies Federation has introduced new laws banning several illegal moves that they say dramatically minimise the need for skill and create an unfair playing lounge.
Moves that will be outlawed from today include hitting the spin button with the edge of your schooner glass, switching bet amounts to reset the odds, and tapping the screen three times with your finger before choosing a suit on a gamble.
“Most players do the right thing when competing, but there’re going to be cheats in every sport,” the chairman for the NSW Pokies Federation said. “Most people don’t know it, but we already have cameras inside pokies to track facial expressions that reveal emotions, so we’ll simply use the cameras to also catch people using performance enhancers like lighting a smoke before initiating a feature.”
Respectable pokie players are shocked and embarrassed that some players have brought shame and controversy to “the nation’s game”.
“I’ve always been proud to tell everyone how much I earned on the pokies, in fact, that’s sometimes all I talk about,” one player said. “But now I’m worried people will think I didn’t put the work in and just cheated.”
Those caught cheating will receive a harsh 15-minute exile in the main bar, with no access to the complimentary mini spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce.
The Sydney Morning Herald 2018 Good Food Guide is set to focus exclusively on cuisine served in poker machine lounges across NSW.
The guide will feature a definitive comparison of the food provided at all 3.65 million VIP rooms across the state, with the best to be awarded pyramids instead of chef hats.
“Priority will be given to those who really nail the classics, such as sausage rolls, party pies and spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce,” one food critic said. “VIP chefs who have mastered their defrosting and heating skills will do well.”
The guide comes in response to overwhelming demand from both punters and venues.
“Until now, choosing which lounges to dine in has been a gamble,” one expert said. “VIP-lounge fare is the closest thing Australia has to a national cuisine and it deserves to be taken seriously.”
Spokespersons for VIP rooms are confident ahead of the guide’s release.
“Our food can’t be bad because our customers show up every day. I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case if they didn’t enjoy the food,” VIP room manager Peter Panner said.
“The food really hits the spot,” agreed one regular, who often loses his entire pay packet on the pokies before he can do any grocery shopping. “Sometimes I bring the whole family in just to give them a good feed.”
The Sydney Morning Herald declined to reveal how many VIP lounges were awarded an elusive three-pyramid rating before the book’s launch.
Long-serving poker-machine favourite the Queen of the Nile has been named 2017 Australian of the Year, in a move that promises to put gender equality, multiculturalism and decent feature payouts at the top of the national agenda.
Although the semi-retired pokie star has been moved to the corner of many VIP rooms with newer, flashier machines taking her place, she remains a sentimental favourite and “must have” of any gaming lounge, a Clubs NSW spokesperson said.
“Pubs used to be the domain of men, but our girl has become an unlikely feminist hero,” he said. “Sure, she’s been knocked about by a few lads who’ve lost their pay checks in a few hits, but she’s built for slapping and she always gets her revenge ─ I’m yet to see anyone get the best of her.”
Malcolm Turnbull is set to present the award at leading pokie destination, Penrith Panthers, if he hasn’t resigned or been overthrown by this afternoon.
Uber today announced the launch of Uber VIP, a fleet of customised cars that have had their passenger seats removed and replaced with poker machines.
Uber VIP, which is set to appear as on option on mobile services later this month, will work the same as current Uber services but with the added bonus that passengers will be able to have a flutter en route to wherever they’re going, whether that be a TAB, racetrack or pub lounge.
“Each pokie comes with all the essentials,” an Uber spokesperson said. “Passengers will be able to choose from games such as Where’s the… Gold, More Chilli, 5 Dragons, and of course Australia’s favourite foreigner, the Queen of the Nile.”
A government spokesperson said the move was “long overdue”, claiming “Sydney-siders will now be able to have a night out, on their way out”.
If passengers get carried away and can no longer afford their fare at the end of the ride, the driver will personally escort them to the nearest casino, where they will have the opportunity to win back the fare using their home, jewellery or any other items of value they might possess as a deposit.
If the scheme is successful, the NSW government has pledged to add the VIP service to Sydney’s upcoming light rail network.