A school zone speed camera in Sydney’s sleepy lower north shore suburb of Lavender Bay has been awarded the New South Wales Police Force Valour Award for distinguished service, receiving a three-week ticker tape parade.
“This brave officer has raised more revenue than everybody else in the force combined,” a NSW police spokesperson said. “This camera is an example that crime pays… and it pays well!”
The officer has been attacked multiple times in its career, and was almost decommissioned in 2015 after vandals beheaded the camera, and locals have expressed their disagreement with the award.
“What a joke,” one Lavender Bay local said. “You’d have to be a mathematician to calculate what speed you’re meant to go in the camera’s location after factoring in the time of day, road works, school holidays and the weather. I once got a fine for simply walking past the camera.”
Lavender Bay police invited The Sydney Sentinel to their clubhouse/station for a lobster sausage sizzle.
“It would be impossible for us to spend all the money this officer raises,” one constable said in an interview conducted from the station’s rooftop hot tub. “Before I could even finish that last sentence, our brave man in the field would have raised another $300,000 – that sort of cash would take any regular officer a whole afternoon of bribe collecting.”
Lavender Bay police have said they will be putting replica speed cameras on every street in a display of gratitude for the award-winning officer.
A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.
“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.
“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”
A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.
“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”
The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.
After a recent crackdown on jaywalking in Sydney raised more than $12.2 million in fines across a 14-day period, police are calling for a move to ban a wide range of alphabetical walking styles.
Probationary Constable Rusty Lahood described the revenue raised from the jaywalking blitz as “incredible” and “an inspiring example of what the alphabet is capable of”.
“Our station now has four pinball machines and we’ve even got one of those fancy fridges that makes ice,” he said, as he enjoyed a tall glass of iced tea.
NSW Police are now exploring the alphabet for lesser known types of walking they can crack down on. “We’re hoping to go the whole A – Z,” Lahood said, pointing out some scribbles on a 70-inch Ultra HD interactive smartboard that has recently been installed.
Future offenses could include anything from iWalking, which involves walking at speeds of more than 3km/h while looking at your phone, to kaywalking, which involves walking under the influence of ketamine and promises to raise billions of dollars’ worth of revenue in Newtown.
Lahood said he’d be happy to be assigned any of the letters, noting that it’s better than doing real police work. “It’s easy, as the people we fine are really lovely,” he said. “Professionals and regular working folk, you know? Much nicer than the criminals we used to deal with.”