Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

SantaList

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.

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Malcolm Turnbull Bans Homelessness

TURNBULL

Australian Prime Minister and owner of one the largest money collections in the world Malcolm Turnbull has today banned the act of not having a home.

There’s “no excuse” for not owning your own home, Turnbull said, adding a warning that “renters are next” on his list of things to ban.

“Australia is the lucky country, so why would you choose not to be lucky and own your own home?” he said. “The least you could do is get your folks to buy you one. Or do as Joe Hockey advised and get a better paying job. There are just so many options.”

The move has shocked the homeless, with many saying they weren’t sure where they would go now that they’ve been banned.

“Most of us would actually much rather be living inside a home than living out of a shopping trolley with no access to water, electricity or PornHub,” a spokesperson said. “But I’m not sure how banning us will help us achieve that.”

Others in the homeless community have welcomed the news, describing it as “exactly the motivation we needed to get our acts together and get a foot into Sydney’s property market by selling drugs, just like all those people who own waterfront homes”.