Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

AusPostXmas

Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.

“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”

The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.

“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”

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Australian Postal Workers Win International Knock & Run Championships

knock-and-run

Australian postal workers have taken out the 98th annual Knock & Run championships, receiving the award at a government-funded gala rumoured to cost tax payers $7.2 million.

The award celebrates the art, usually practiced by teenagers, of knocking on someone’s door then running away before they answer, leaving the resident mildly confused when they open the door to find no one there.

A Knock & Run judge congratulated Australian postal workers for taking things to the next level by also leaving a card that taunts victims by informing them “no one was home” and advising them to collect their parcel at the nearest post office during the most inconvenient working hours imaginable, a Knock & Run judge said.

“They’re like ninjas,” he said. “They remind me of Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja”

One postal worker, who has managed to avoid ever delivering a parcel to a resident, said during his acceptance speech that managing to leave a card at the door of a homeowner who was watering his front garden at the time was “a particular highlight” of his career.

The trophy was lost in transit from the award ceremony to the office and postal workers have said “there is nothing they can do” to locate it.