The Left Now Siding with No Voters as Poll Reveals They’re the Minority

LeftPest

The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.

A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.

“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”

One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.

“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.

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Woman Wearing “Love is Love” Badge Hates Everyone

PestPerson

An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.

One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.

“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”

An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.

“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”

The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.

Calls to Ban Santa for Choosing to be a White Heterosexual Male

Santa

Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.

“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”

Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.

“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”

One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.

Lefty Rooms Open to Allow Far Left to be Offended and Protest in Peace

LEFTY ROOM
The NSW Government has today announced that it would open “lefty rooms” in the suburbs of Newtown and Surry Hills to give the far left a safe place to be offended by everything or conduct a protest in peace.

“The problem with many lefty protests is that people with opinions that differ from them show up, which often causes massacres,” a government spokesperson said. “This way they can preach that their opinion is correct without having any other opinions getting in the way.”

The vegan-friendly rooms will be fitted with dummies for the left to yell insults at and contain materials for creating angry signs.

The left has said the rooms are a lifesaver in a world where nearly every subject, idea and thing can cause offence.

If the lefty rooms are successful, the government said it plans to also to roll out extreme righty rooms where people with conservative opinions can conduct virtual-reality hate crimes.

The Nightmare After Christmas: Newtown Burns as Girl Gifted Doll

Newtown Protest

A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their third day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.

The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.

“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”

A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.