The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.
A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.
“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”
One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.
“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.
An Erskineville local wearing several “Love is Love” badges on her cloth backpack, in fact hates everybody, it has been confirmed today.
One gay man said the woman recently responded to a friendly head nod from him with a swift headbutt.
“She said I wasn’t gay enough because I wasn’t writing ‘yes’ on the ground with chalk at that very moment,” the man said. “She ranted that I was only a very small step above a death-deserving cis-male.”
An Aboriginal man said she wasn’t a fan of him either, despite the fact she was wearing an Aboriginal flag T-shirt.
“She told me I was a race traitor as I was eating a white-bread sandwich,” the man said. “She also demanded I thanked her for repeatedly acknowledging me as the traditional landowner before everything she said.”
The woman said she was so angry with the world because she was born white, privileged and heterosexual, and the only thing that gives her any hope is that she wasn’t born a man.
Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.
“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”
Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.
“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”
One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.
A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their second day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.
The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.
“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”
A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.
After a recent crackdown on jaywalking in Sydney raised more than $12.2 million in fines across a 14-day period, police are calling for a move to ban a wide range of alphabetical walking styles.
Probationary Constable Rusty Lahood described the revenue raised from the jaywalking blitz as “incredible” and “an inspiring example of what the alphabet is capable of”.
“Our station now has four pinball machines and we’ve even got one of those fancy fridges that makes ice,” he said, as he enjoyed a tall glass of iced tea.
NSW Police are now exploring the alphabet for lesser known types of walking they can crack down on. “We’re hoping to go the whole A – Z,” Lahood said, pointing out some scribbles on a 70-inch Ultra HD interactive smartboard that has recently been installed.
Future offenses could include anything from iWalking, which involves walking at speeds of more than 3km/h while looking at your phone, to kaywalking, which involves walking under the influence of ketamine and promises to raise billions of dollars’ worth of revenue in Newtown.
Lahood said he’d be happy to be assigned any of the letters, noting that it’s better than doing real police work. “It’s easy, as the people we fine are really lovely,” he said. “Professionals and regular working folk, you know? Much nicer than the criminals we used to deal with.”