New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You


A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.


Gym Employee Jailed for Revealing Membership Prices Up Front


A receptionist at a popular chain of Sydney gyms was today sentenced to 60 years in prison for revealing the gym’s joining fee and monthly payments up front and honestly.

“This was a serious violation of our rules,” a spokesperson for the gym said. “The highly secretive pricing structure of gym memberships should only be revealed once a victim has completed a 12-step intimidation program conducted by a senior consultant.”

The spokesperson described the incident as a “safety issue”, noting that the receptionist “could have killed” the prospective gym member.

“If people aren’t prepared through a lengthy process of shaming and phone harassment, hearing the price of a gym membership so abruptly and clearly could cause cardiac arrest, stroke, or even aids. Some of our most loyal clients, who signed up with us for lifetime membership without parole as far back as the 1980s, still aren’t aware what they’re paying.”

The prospective gym member at the centre of the controversy was bludgeoned to death with a Shake Weight in a bid to avoid any further damage and the gym has promised to fill the streets with twice as many pamphlet handlers to recuperate the fees they had been expecting him to pay.