There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.
The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.
“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”
The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.
The NSW Pokies Federation has introduced new laws banning several illegal moves that they say dramatically minimise the need for skill and create an unfair playing lounge.
Moves that will be outlawed from today include hitting the spin button with the edge of your schooner glass, switching bet amounts to reset the odds, and tapping the screen three times with your finger before choosing a suit on a gamble.
“Most players do the right thing when competing, but there’re going to be cheats in every sport,” the chairman for the NSW Pokies Federation said. “Most people don’t know it, but we already have cameras inside pokies to track facial expressions that reveal emotions, so we’ll simply use the cameras to also catch people using performance enhancers like lighting a smoke before initiating a feature.”
Respectable pokie players are shocked and embarrassed that some players have brought shame and controversy to “the nation’s game”.
“I’ve always been proud to tell everyone how much I earned on the pokies, in fact, that’s sometimes all I talk about,” one player said. “But now I’m worried people will think I didn’t put the work in and just cheated.”
Those caught cheating will receive a harsh 15-minute exile in the main bar, with no access to the complimentary mini spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce.
A man who walked into a Sydney pub only wanting to use the toilet today ended up downing 50 schooners and a fisherman’s basket and chucking a few gorillas into Top Banana, all because he didn’t want to look like he was “taking the piss”.
“The bloke behind the bar clocked me as I ran straight for the gents, so I couldn’t just walk straight back outside after draining the pee from my balls,” the man said. “It was time to do the right thing and pull up a stump for a day or so.”
The man was so committed to looking like he wasn’t abusing the pub’s toilet that he canned going back to work for the day.
“The barman must’ve known I was only hanging about to be polite, as he told me I’d had enough and asked me to leave when I tried to order schoon number 51.”
Sadly, the man’s wife didn’t appreciate his courtesy and has filed for divorce.
A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.
A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.
“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”
The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.
“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”
A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.
“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.
A Sydney man last night rewarded himself with 30 full-strength schooners and a chicken parmigiana with chips, no salad, at his local pub after completing an eight-minute run.
“Doing my first bit of exercise since colour comp at school 14 years ago felt so great I would’ve done it again today if I didn’t have a steaming hangover,” the man said. “The feel-good endorphins from the run made me feel like I had dumped Mother Nature’s pinger. I can really see myself becoming a bit of a fitness freak.”
The man’s partner said he had become rather annoying.
“Since completing his one run, he refers to himself as an athlete and even bought himself some fluorescent runners and compression tights,” she said. “He also claims I ‘don’t understand the lifestyle’ even though I’ve been working out for five years.”
Although the man reported putting on two kilograms after his run and pub session, he has assured everyone it’s all muscle gain.