Pop culture icon and son of God, Jesus Christ, has announced he will be suing the bible for slander after an increase in people being “tools” in his name.
Speaking from heaven, Jesus told the Sydney Sentinel “I didn’t even know the gronks who wrote the thing.”
“It’s time I publish my own bible to share what I actually said and did,” he said. “And I won’t cut costs by using that bullshit wafer-thin paper.”
Jesus admits he made mistakes, citing when he turned water into wine.
“I just wanted people to like me,” said Jesus. “If I turned water into sparkling water nobody would have given a shit. But then everyone got so sledgehammered they made stuff up.”
Jesus hopes that by writing the bible himself, people will find peace within themselves, and everybody else his dad created.
A 25-year-old man is in intensive care after being attacked for saying “bless you” to an atheist extremist with hay fever on a Sydney train this morning.
Witnesses described the attack as “brutal, yet fair”, citing increased controversy around the celebration or mention of Christmas as enough to deter most people from expressing such misguided common courtesies.
“With all the drama about saying the C word these holidays, the victim should have known not to make such an offensive remark,” one onlooker said.
New South Wales Police today released a statement in response to the incident, advising people to stay safe these holidays by avoiding talking to others as much as possible.
“It’s paramount that people are on guard and vigilant 24/7 so that they do not offend anybody – accidentally or otherwise,” the statement reads. “To make things easier and help people make it through the holiday season without being maimed, we’ve printed a handy 876-page booklet about all the things people may find offensive.”
The attacker will be pressing charges and suing the victim for $20,000 worth of damages to his punching hand.
The holiday death-caused-by-saying-something-offensive toll currently stands at 526, with the number expected to rise over the coming week.