Local Retailers Furious Amazon Australia Launch Will Force them to Offer Fair Prices

AmazonFactory

The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.

A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.

“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”

Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.

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Man Misses Chicken Tonight Dinner as JB Hi-Fi bag Search Enters Fifth Hour

bag search

A Sydney man is tonight missing out on his favourite dinner, Chicken Tonight, as a routine bag search at his local JB Hi-Fi enters its fifth hour.

“I’d forgotten I was wearing a backpack when I walked into the store and by the time I realised, it was already too late,” the man said. “So, I had a look around at some DVDs and the latest Nintendo Amiibo my wife won’t allow me to buy, then I tried my best to look calm and collected as I walked out. But the bloke at the door asked to see inside my backpack and I’ve been here ever since. I even had to drop my trousers.”

The man’s wife told The Sydney Sentinel she knew something was wrong when he hadn’t come home by 7pm.

“He always skips his fourteenth beer at the pub and comes straight home when he knows I’m frying up the Chicken Tonight,” she said. “I’ve covered his dinner in foil and put it in the oven to keep warm but the man I spoke to at the store said he wouldn’t be home until they’d completed a colonoscopy, so I’m worried the chicken is going to dry out.”

This is not the first time the man has missed important life events due to an extensive bag search at his favourite store.

“Yeah, I should really know better than to go into one of these stores with any kind of bags, pockets or clothing,” the man said. “I missed the birth and first three months of my first child’s life after walking into one with a bag from another store.”